Wait You Named Your Son Hitler? Seriously?

I thought that celebrities were the only ones that went out of their way to give their children ridiculous names (and major issues to go along with them), but this week a couple in New Jersey showed me that regular people can fuck up their children just as easily as celebrities can! This couple named their son Adolf Hitler Campbell.

Yes, that is correct, Adolf Hitler. Apparently when asked why they chose that particular moniker they responded something along the lines of 'no one else will ever have the name'. What they really meant was 'we are not only anti-Semitic, racist and immortalizing a monster, but we also want our son to have to explain why his name is litterally Hitler for the rest of his life. No one else has the name Jizz McSmegma either (actually people are pretty nuts, so I cant' say that 100%, but I'm pretty confident its at least 97.4% true), but that still doesn't make it a good reason to name your child that.

But anyway, I'm rambling. The reason that these terrible parents came to be in the news is because Little Hitler turned 3 this month and they wanted their NJ Shop-Rite to write "Happy Birthday Adolf Hilter" on his birthday cake. Shop-Rite basically was like 'bitch you crazy if you think we're writing that shit on a delicious sheet cake'. So what did Mr. and Mrs. Crazy do to make sure little Adolf got his cake on...they went to WAL-MART, of course!! Wal-Mart does not discriminate, even if you are a crazy racist. This is why Wal-Mart is so popular/successful: no matter how much of an asshole you are, Wal-Mart can meet your needs!

These kids now can say "At least I'm not named Adolf Hitler" when they are made fun of:

• Pilot Inspektor Lee (Jason Lee's son)
• Bronx Mowgli Wentz (Pete Wentz & Ashlee Simpson's son)
• Moon Unit Zappa (Frank Zappa)
• Jermagesty Jackson (Jermaine Jackson's son)
• Bluebell Madonna (Ginger Spice's daughter)
• Kyd Duchovny (David Duchovny & Tea Leoni's son)

Who knew that Gweneth Paltrow's daughter, Apple, would end up with one of the most normal names of new-Hollywood?

Who Throws a Shoe? Honestly?

[Austin Powers infamous shoe scene]

Up until this point in my life, I've seen two shoes thrown.  One being that chubby Asian assassin in Austin Powers (see video clip above).  And two, when I pegged a guy, from my freshman-year dorm, right in the head with my sneaker, after being told I'd never be able to do it (one of my most proud moments as an undergrad...no video clip available, but it would be much cooler if there was one).  Today, myself and the rest of the world, got twice the hilarity when George W. Bush got not one, but two shoes thrown at him while conducting a press conference in Iraq.  President Bush was not hit by either of the size 10 shoes, apparently he majored in dodge ball at Yale because there's no way he was that agile without practice.  Especially when Austin Powers, International Man of Mystery, wasn't even quick enough to dodge one. 

     [President Bush's soon to be infamous shoe scene]    

So to answer Austin Powers question, "Who throws a shoe?  Honestly?" 

 The answer is: more people than you think.  

Nothing Says Holidays Quite like Tampons

Normally when I think of the holiday season, its a melange of wreaths, presents, stockings, Salvation Army Santas ringing a stupid bell when I get off the train in the morning, ornaments, turkey, hugs, reindeer, silver bells, crying children, christmas trees, forcing my cousins to perform in variety shows against their will (and, that of the audience's), football, drunk uncles (or as I call them drunkles), candles...well anyways you get the point. But in a recent google search of the word 'christmas' after sorting through links and links of cheesy stuff, I came across probably the most awkward/greatest/creepiest website that has ever been created. It's called Tampon Crafts. Their mantra is that tampons can be fun at any time of the month! As the name suggests, the site shows different crafts you can do at home that use tampons as the primary medium. Here are a few examples just in time for the holidays:

It's almost hard to believe they're made of tampons! They actually have some really great crafts. I really suggest that everyone go to this site, sit down with a box of tampons and craft your little heart out. Maybe try to come up with your own ideas, I'd be really impressed if someone could make a giant tampon out of regular sized tampons. That would be fantastic and kind of ironic...don't cha think?

p.s. if you do go to this site, check out the heart shaped earings...they are extremely disturbing

Always Wrap it Up!

The most inappropriate name for a fundraiser to benefit children ever.

Wrapping it up

 in general 

is a way to prevent children 

from happening in the first place.

Totally J/K with Joe and Noah 12.2.08

This past Wednesday I decided to finally check out Totally J/K with Joe and Noah at Soundfix Lounge, even though I've been planning on going for quite some time now.  And I'm super glad that I went because it was a great night filled with laughter.  Joe Mande and Noah Garfinkle host this alt comedy show every Wednesday at 9:30 PM and I really recommend everyone going to it.  They started the show with "Totally J/K's List of Nothing" (a list of their ideas that turned into nothing) and besides the theme song for this list being fantastic, the list itself juxtaposes everyday words and ideas together hilariously.  The lineup was fantastic.  The guests included Sean Patton, Patrick Borelli, Kristen Schaal, Kurt Braunohler and Donald Glover.

First up was Sean Patton.  I must have been in another world or really high (or both?) when I saw Sean Patton at the VH to the One Comedy show because I didn't remember watching his performance really, but I'm almost glad I didn't because it made this performance all the funnier.  Also as I was watching I remembered other material he had said last week that he didn't use.  So I apologize for not remembering him before, but at least this time I won't forget. Following Patton, was Patrick Borelli.  Borelli didn't really perform an act, so much as advertise for his new book, Holy Headshot.  Which was almost better than an actual act.  The 

book, Holy Headshot, is a coffee table type book that includes bizarre, ridiculous and totally legit real head shots and resumes.  Even if you're not going to actually purchase the book, I would recommend going to the website for it because it's quite entertaining and funny. 

Next was Kurt and Kristen.  Comedy duos, in general, rank extremely high on my list of favorite things ever, but Kurt and Kristen really took the cake.  Schaal was one of the main reasons I wanted to go to Totally J/K tonight.  She is also on the hit HBO series, Flight of the Concords, which I don't really watch.  "So why did you want to see her then?", you might ask.  Well, the reason I wanted to see her so badly though is because of a web series that she and Braunohler do called Penelope Princess of Pets.  Everyone should watch it; it's hilarious.  Anyways, their performance at Totally J/K was so wonderful.  I think it's something about their voices that makes them so addicting to watch (not like crack addicting, more like sushi addicting)to me.

At this point I really thought very little could top what I had already seen, yet I managed to somehow be wrong once again.  Donald Glover hit the stage and laughter was the constant the entire rest of the show.  Glover writes for the Emmy Award winning program, "30 Rock"on NBC.  That Emmy is clearly well-deserved because Glover was hilarious.  His jokes focused mostly on stereotypes of different cultures, and were completely fresh and non-offensive, which I think is hard to do because in that realm you are really walking on thin ice.  

All in all, Totally J/K with Joe and Noah is something you should Totally G/S (Go See, and yes I knew that was lame before I typed it, but I rebel against my better judgement on the daily).  Here are some reasons you should go a) it's every Wednesday and when do you regularly have Wednesday plans.. b) it costs $0, so even if you lost your home/job/pet/virginity due to the recession, you can still afford it and c) there is also another free show immediately before it so that's like two for the price of free.  Every Wednesday, 9:30 PM at Soundfix Lounge Williamsburg, Brooklyn.    

Rock Of Love Haikus

I spent 2 summers ago interning at VH1 Digital. While I learned a lot and spent most of my time productively, I also had a lot of laughs with my supervisors. On my last day, I read them a series of haikus I wrote about the critically acclaimed VH1 show, "Rock Of Love". Obviously they are a little delayed since we're already up to season 3, but I thought they were still worth posting. Hopefully you agree.

Rock of Love ladies
Bags of bouncy silicone
Watch out they might pop

Wake up, have a drink
Classy ladies all around
Tops are coming off

Brandi C. in porn
Lesbian threeway sex romp
Can you say spin off?

Talk Dirty to me
He will measure my boner
Not a real doctor…

Yeehaw Rodeo!
Laughs so loud she orgasmed
Seven year old son...

Hip hop versus rock
Hope no one poops on the floor
Only time will tell

That's One Lucky Bike

This bike rack provides us with a whole new meaning for the word bike rack.

I'm not sure if there is a contest for the 

world's sexiest bike rack

but if there were

the other bike racks would 

accidentially spill a drink on this one

right before the question and answer.

 

Links To Voro Lounge Article

The article I wrote for thew News Record can be found here, and also here.  

Hot In The Presses: Voro Lounge Presents 'Comedy and Cocktails' 11.20.08

Recently the editor of my town's local paper discovered what I was doing here at attention is fun and asked me to write an article for their arts and entertainment section about a comedy show that just got started locally.  So since clearly I believe in attention, I agreed.  I've taken the liberty of typing it out for your reading pleasure.  My favorite part about my article appearing in the paper, though, is that it appears next to the 'Pet of the Week'(not pictured).  Here ya go:    

When one thinks of Voro Lounge, images of its warm atmosphere and friends coming together for a meal or drink come to mind.  While it is one of South Orange's more upscale drinking holes, residents will soon add comedy club to their description of Voro Lounge.  The venue now hosts a bi-weekly show featuring professional comedians called 'Comedy and Cocktails.'  The News Record was fortunate enough to have been invited by Voro to check out Thursday's show.

South Orange resident and senior correspondent for "Inside Edition" April Woodward hosts the show along with Rob Stapleton of "Top Dog's of Comedy"--and they sum up an evening of comedy that "brings Manhattan right here to Jersey."

Using front-row audience members as material for his jokes, Stapleton engaged the crowd with one-on-one interactions without bullying or offending any of the singled-out members of the audience

One comedienne to hit the stage was Shatara Curry fo BET's "Comic View." Curry came out oozing energy and had the crowd in the palm of her hand in no time.  Her jokes were observation-based, using body movements to illustrate each point.  With jokes based on relationships with her signature line of "Put a ring on it," Curry had a fantastic set which set the tone for the rest of the show.

The next act, K-Dubb of "Def Comedy Jam" and "The Bad Boys of Comedy," had the crowd in stitches throughout his entire set.  His humor was observational, but also politcally driven. At one point, K-Dubb mentioned that the Republicans will take hold of the next election, to which an audience member shouted out, "No!"  Instead of becoming aggravated with the audience member's interruption, he took the opportunity to school her on the history of cyclical politics, impressively and quickly spouting off every president and their political affiliation from George Washington to the present.  K-Dubb is definitely a stand-up performer to look out for in the future, as his comedic timing, skill and intelligence are bound to make him a major player in the comedy world.

While K-Dubb was a tough act to follow, the second headliner, Dean Edwards of "Saturday Night Live" and "Original Kings of Comedy," easily kept the audience's attention and kept the laughter continuously coming.  Edwards' humor relied primarily on his impressions which varied from celebrities, such as Jay-Z, Beyonce and Denzel Washington, to people you would come into contact with on a day-to-day basis at the grocery store.  His impression, paired with the way he used his body to bring his comedy to life, proved to be both successful and hilarious.  Edwards, too, is someone to look out for in the future.

If you are looking to stay local and laugh, Voro Lounge has something for everyone with 'Comedy and Cocktails.'

[These photos did not appear with the article and are mine.  Also, I had to clean up my language for this a little bit...so just so I can prove I'm still legit: fuck]

VH to the One Comedy Showcase: 11.18.08

As an employee of VH1, I thought it was pretty exciting that we were putting on a comedy show, but I'm using the word 'we' very loosely because I had absolutely nothing to do with this show, aside from being an audience member.  Regardless, I thought it made me feel that I was involved in a small way.  The VH to the One Comedy Showcase takes place at The Bitter End, which normally hosts more rock and roll (cough Bob Dylan cough) performances, but welcomes the VH1/stand up crowd with open arms every other Tuesday!  The vibe is dive-ish, but also really classic and full of history.  The show I, personally, attended was it's maiden voyage so there weren't as many people in attendance as I expect there to be tomorrow.  The show was hosted by Cassidy Henehan, who did a pretty good job, although at times seemed a little confused as to what was supposed to happen next.  

The first act was Kumail Nanjiani, who I had actually seen before at 'Big Terrific'.  Nanjiani uses the kind of voice inflections that just makes you want to laugh.  Also everything he says is hilarious.  I was surprised that he was the first act because he has been featured on SNL, and also is fantastic.  In any event, it was a great way to get the audience pumped up and ready to laugh for the rest of the show.  

Next up was Joselyn Hughes.  Her jokes mostly poked fun at her love life, focusing on how all her exes are now out of the closet.  She was funny, but the least so of the group, which really just says how good the show was.  Following Hughes, was Sean Patton.  I remember thinking Patton was very funny, but for some reason the only thing I can remember about his set was that he said he a friend I was there with (sorry for being such a douche, but I really should have written this the next day).

Next up were the two headliners: Pete Holmes and Big Jay Oakerson.  Holmes, has apparently, been on tons of VH1 clip shows, as well as Comedy Central's "Premium Blend".  Also, I have seen him before at various shows around New York.  Even though I had seen him the week before and remembered a decent amount of his material, it was still just as laugh out loud funny as it was the week before when my mind was fresh.  Holmes' jokes are relatable to pretty much everyone, unless maybe you don't speak English, and some have a lot to do with everyday occurrences that only when brought to your attention, by Holmes, are hilarious.  I would recommend checking out one of his performances to anyone that enjoys laughter, or funny things.  The final act, and second headliner, Big Jay Oakerson, was also fantastic.  His style is very different from Holmes in that he is very, very vulgar.  His act also involved a great deal of audience participation.  At one point he asked a girl in the audience to ask him any question about himself, she was bewildered and had no idea what to say so he went on to ask himself how he lost his virginity.  I'm not sure if I believe his rundown of that fateful night, but I don't even give a shit because it was hilarious.  He also integrated the two other people at my table, separately, and used what they said to create something wonderful.  I really appreciated his no nonsense, not giving a fuck attitude because he came off that way, but never was mean to anyone or even seemed unapproachable. 

Overall, VH to the One Comedy Showcase is a great show, and the comedians and the host change each week, which makes it a show that you should frequent as often as you can.  It is bi-weekly, on Thursdays (The next show is December 4, 2008 and then the following is December 18, 2008).  Also it's a really good deal for so much funny, as it only costs $5.  The only problem that I had was that it was advertised originally as not having a drink minimum, but once I got there, there was a drink minimum.  I didn't have a problem with drinking the drinks, but I just hadn't planned on drinking/spending the extra cash.  However, it is a relatively minuscule problem.  I would definitely recommend your attendance at this show to anyone who enjoys laughter, paying very little money, classic rock and roll joints, and drinking        

[sorry this post is so delayed, it was a busy week]

Thanksgiving Tragedies

Besides the inevitable tragedies of hundreds of people who blew up because they  didn't listen to that Cingular commercial and defrost their turkey before trying to deep fry them, there were a couple out of the ordinary things that happened this Thanksgiving that we would all, as a planet, be better off had they never occurred.    

The first Thanksgiving tragedy is New York Giant's star and winner of the "Your Beard Looks Like Pubes" award (see photo), Plaxico Burress.  Normally when you hear that a sports star has been shot you can assume that it has something to do with some kind of gangster ass business, but this time around that was not the case.  Plaxico was carrying an un-registered gun, you know for protection, at a New York area night club.  The gun was holstered into the waist of his jeans and after some serious getting jiggy with it, the gun slipped and fell down his pants.  When he tried to re-attach his 'piece' to his pants, the gun discharged and busted a cap up in his ass...  OK well his thigh, but it sounded cooler.

Apparently pop-princesses are heiresses aren't the only celebrities that make bad choices 

when they're drunk, but at least their bad choices usually increase their fame and

 pump life into their drowning career.  His bad decision will probably ruin his career and crush the Giant's unbelievable winning streak.  It's unfortunate because while I don't really care about football, I do really enjoy saying the word Plaxico.

Your next tragedy, to me at least, is much worse, but also almost seems like it would happen.  This tragedy also took place in New York, which strikes me as odd because I feel like it would be more likely to happen in Kentucky or some other state that is so obscure it only exists for the purpose of joke making.  On Black Friday, a Wal-Mart employee was trampled to death by a mob of mothers trying to make the most of all the holiday deals right at their fingertips.  When asked to evacuate the store so they could clean the murder from the linoleum floors, women allegedly yelled that they had been waiting since the night before to shop and continued their shopping.  Is that tickle-me-elmo/furby/whatever the fuck every 5 year old asshole has to have this holiday season really worth killing a man over?  This question is not rhetorical and the answer is: yes, duh.

Would You Rather...

Sometimes my friends and I play 'Would You Rather...?" and we start with relatively tame questions and by the end of the game are asking way past the line obscene or strange questions.  These are just a few of I thought about recently, independently of my friends.  I thought it might be fun  to see which you would rather...so leave a comment with your choice. 

• Lick a homeless man's foot OR have to use mustard instead of soap for the rest of your life?

• marry an iguana (and consummate the marriage) OR use sandpaper as toilet paper for the rest of your life?

• have a butthole for a mouth OR eat a NY subway rat?

• eat your least favorite food for every meal OR have a partially developed fetus growing out of your earlobe?

The Humpty Dance

In an earlier post, I mentioned that I worked on some videos for Josh College (all in all there were 6 I helped with), so I thought I'd let you see what I'm talking about. I produced and filmed this music video remake/parody of 'The Humpty Dance' by Digital Underground. I'm pretty proud of it because it's awesome, but also because as of right now it has over 12,000 hits on youtube. That's 12,000 theorhetical dollars (...south park anyone?) Mainly it's just awesome, pretty funny and if the first two descriptions didn't do it for ya...there's hot chicks dancing around in thong bathing suits throughout the video. So check it out!

Conversations with God

I just typed in a web address wrong in my browser and ended up on some uber-Christian network of blogs, right before I tried to X out the box, I noticed one blog titled 'Conversations with God'. So I thought to myself what it would be like if I were to have a conversation with God...on AIM. So this is what I imagine God and I would talk about:

JiLLpaysdaBiLLz: hey G-man

Water2WineDad: Hello my child.

JiLLpaysdaBiLLz: what up homie?

Water2WineDad: Answering prayers, creating miracles, you know the usual.

JiLLpaysdaBiLLz: sounds boring...I'm watching kids fall down on youtube, you should check it out..it's sooo cute!

Water2WineDad: Yes, children are quite a miracle. I would know, after all, I created them.

JiLLpaysdaBiLLz: I thought we went over this...if we're going to be friends you can't be so cocky all the time, its seriously annoying and you said you would stop...jesus!

Water2WineDad: My bad. What about him?

JiLLpaysdaBiLLz: what about who?

Water2WineDad: My son.

JiLLpaysdaBiLLz: I GET IT! We are all your children, but I'm a girl, you should know that you created vaginas and all...

Water2WineDad: No, my son, Jesus.

JiLLpaysdaBiLLz: Listen God, there's no need to get an attitude...I appreciate all you've done for everything in the universe, but seriously you need an attitude adjustment sometimes...I don't want to get mad at you again...later

Alternate Titles for 'I Know Who Killed Me'

Recently a friend coerced me into watching the worst movie ever created, I Know Who Killed Me. This is where I normally would provide some background, but I still have no idea what the butt this movie is about. So instead I thought I'd share some of my ideas for alternate titles for this F.I.L.M. (freakin' idiotic lactating mess).

What if they tried:

'The Parent Trap 2'

The whole movie Lohan's character talks about how she has an identical twin, that neither she, nor anyone else, knew about/believes her about, so all in all the same thing. This title would probably have, at least, generated a larger box office revenue because the Disney crowd/anyone who liked seeing two Lindsay's at once would have been reeled in. Also I think it's just a much more pleasant name than 'I Know Who Killed Me', especially because throughout the entire movie you never know who killed her/she's not really ever dead...again I'm not exactly sure of the plot line because it was borderline retarded (by that I mean after watching I almost was retarded)

Or how about:

'The End of Lindsay Lohan's Acting Career'

While no one could have predicted that Lindsay's film career would have ended after doing this film, unless of course you happened to read the script. I'm not sure how anyone could have read that garbage and presented it to someone, whose last movie was as successful as Mean Girls, without being fired (or at least spit on). As far as I'm aware, many people must have read this script and told her it was a smart move, but I guess after this movie came out their career's probably also simultaneously ended. Also, this title would definitely have generated more box office revenue from sheer curiosity of how bad this movie would suck.

Even this one would made me want to see it:

'Like, OMG, My Body Parts are Totally All Falling Off'

This is the most literal interpretation of what you're going to get out of this film. For some reason Lindsay's arms and legs keep falling off during the movie. She gets some kind of robot arms/legs too, but then those come off and she gets hit in the face with her leg, I think? Anyway her body parts, like, totally fall off.

Or the most obvious title:

'The Movie Where Lindsay Lohan is a Stripper'

One of the Lindsay Lohans in this movie is a stripper, even though I'm pretty sure you never see her boobies. But this title would bring in the Disney crowd, the pedophile crowd, the frat boy crowd, everyone who hates Lindsay Lohan, everyone that loves Lindsay Lohan and anyone that loves strippers/stripping/strip clubs/strip malls/etc.

don't worry wilson. i'll do all the paddling. you just hang on.

I don't think a contest for the most clever trash can exists.

But if there were...

this one would definitely

make it to the swim-wear competition.

*Photo taken at Vinny's Pizza in Williamsburg, Brooklyn.

happy birthday to me

Today I turn twenty-two.  The big deuce deuce.  Doesn't that sound like a bathroom trip you really don't want to take?  This is the most anti-climatic birthday to date.  It's like after you turn 21 there's almost no point...until you're 30 because then you better be getting drunker than that first time you drank freshman year in high school, to be cool, and threw up all over yourself in front of the juniors, who took pictures of you and laughed.  Oh...yea that happened to someone else I know...

anyways...

Dear Jill, 

Happy Birthday!  You're #1 in my book!

I hope you have the most fantastic day possible!

I'll be rooting for you!

Love Yourself,

Jill

 

iphone spell check can suck it

The iPhone is awesome. But sometimes when I'm texting my friends write back and are very confused. It's the mother fucking spell checker that tries to make me less vulgar/not use slang spelling. No I don't use words like "LOL" even though that is something that the iPhone recognizes (and will even capitalize for you)! Here are some of the words that I've noticed the iPhone notoriously changes up on me and drives me up the wall:

fuck TURNS INTO duck

example: I'm ducking hungry.

nah TURNS INTO bah

example: bah I'm not trying to do that.

shit TURNS INTO shot

example: What the duck is this shot?

wana TURNS INTO WANs

example: WANs do me later?

gona TURNS INTO tons

example: I'm tons poop my pants.

As you can see it's quite the nuisance. Also can someone please tell me what the duck is a WANs?

Comedy Free Williamsburg 11.12.08

In addition to being a record store, a bar, and host to Big Terrific, Soundfix Lounge (is there anything they don’t do?) they also host a myriad of other events. Specifically several other free comedy nights. After months of saying I was going to check another night out, I finally got a chance to do so this week. Wednesday night actually hosts two different shows, but unfortunately (due to the possibility of our driver dying of alcohol poisoning…sort of) I only was able to stay for the first show, called Comedy Free Williamsburg. This show was quite different that what I’m normally used to from Soundfix, in that it featured no media whatsoever, and also a sketch group was also thrown in the mix. I was told the week before that this show featured an open bar, but sadly it was a lie. Well, it used to have an open bar supposedly, so I guess just an un-truth. The host is John Knefel. 

I found the first act quite funny, and I know his name is Rob, but I wasn’t quick enough to get his last name down, which is unfortunate because he was quite funny. I know he has performed in the Marijuana-loges (if you know his name please leave it in the comment section). He had a certain approach that made ordinarily not funny things absolutely hysterical, like the death of his father. Also I appreciated that he was wearing a denim shirt. Then came, Mike Dobbins, had a very interesting style to his act. It really seemed like he didn’t give a fuck, but not in a lazy way, more in the sense that he knew he was funny regardless whether or not the audience agreed. I found some of his jokes to be a little over my head while others were laugh-out-loud funny.

The next act was like nothing I had ever seenup close before, the sketch group, Murder Face. They performed about three sketches that really got the audience going. Their show also involved a lot of shirtless, hairy, man-boob possessing men, which make it pretty tough to go wrong. Their voices boomed across the room and overpowered everyone’s attention. Their sketches were clever. 

Following Murder Face, was a very attractive woman, Tracie Jayne, which I feel is somewhat rare for really funny women, but I’m down with it. Tracie talked at length about her jobs ranging from thong-wearing shot girl at a bar to serving in the United States military. All of her jokes were sharp, clever and highly amusing. The headliner, who didn’t realize he was headlining until Knefel announced it, was Joe Devito. He had the crowd in stitches from the start by talking about smoking weed and lots of it. My personal favorite part of his performance (even though the whole thing was laugh-

out-loud fantastic) was when he discussed one of my top 10 favorite commercials: the ShamWow. His jokes basically described the exact reason why, not only, do I love the commercial, but also why I think its absolutely ridiculous (even though I want to buy it.)

All in all, it was a good show, but I’m not sure if it’s really for me. Next time I’m going to try to catch the later show, ‘Totally J/K with Joe and Noah’ because it seems like it would match my sense of humor a little better. Although I would still recommend checking out this show because I’m pretty sure the acts change each week and it’s still a really fun time.

Behind the True Life Hollywood Story

I told you that I'd put up my own personal videos(which is true),but I'm waiting on a new camera so I figured I'd put up some of my past projects. This was the first short film I ever made. It was co-everything-ed by myself and Jessi Elgin. Check out my cameo as the bored/obnoxious/rude non-fan of Guitar Hero(at about 5:33)...yes that's what this movie is about: the first ever Guitar Hero and his rise to fame and inevitable crash and burn. So check it out, I think you'll like it.

Also, how great is the thumbnail that youtube selects for the clip. Nothing better than a ginger with their mouth open.

Let me know what you think.

Caroline's on Broadway: New Talent Night 11.10.08

Monday nights at the infamous Caroline’s on Broadway are reserved for new talent! It’s pretty exciting because some of the best comedians that have ever lived go their start at Caroline’s, so you never know if the people you’ll see will end up becoming legendary themselves. I have been to Caroline’s several times before, but it was always to see a headliner. This was a totally different experience, but definitely still worthwhile and enjoyable.

There were TONS of comedians that performed. I wish there was a list of their names somewhere that I could access, but unfortunately there were way too many to remember. This doesn’t mean, however, that their acts were forgettable. I was so impressed by so many of the performers. One of my favorites was the only female performer of the night, who made jokes about her roommates criticizing her for smoking weed, which were super relatable and fantastic. Another real stand out was this uber-gay, little (and by that I mean short), blonde boy with a face like Clay Aiken. He, mostly, referenced pop culture and his sexuality, and really got the crowd going. The third person that really stood out to me was an Indian guy who, throughout his act, used many different accents to discuss various racial issues.

The real reason I went to this show, beside my obsession and love of stand-up, was to support one of my friends who performed stand up for his second time at Caroline’s. That, in itself, is remarkably impressive. My friend, Josh Senior, and I worked together this past summer on some videos for his website, JoshCollege. On his site, he plays an advice-giving, know-it-all college student, who is actually a little confused. The videos are great and you should definitely check them out. However, I don’t think that the Josh College character really transfers over to the stand-up stage. Had he hit the stage as Josh Senior (versus Josh College), even if he said mostly the same jokes, he would have had the crowd in the palm of his hand. His jokes are witty, and very smart, but it was just hard to follow when he spoke using the character’s trademark voice. I’m looking forward to his next performance as Josh Senior because I know it will be fantastic!

Overall, I had a great time at the show! While this is certainly one of the less expensive options available in NYC when it comes to stand-up comedy, it still was a moderately expensive night. The tickets were only $10 ($5, if you say you're going to support one specific person), but there is a 2 drink minimum (their drinks are more on the expensive side) and their is also a 15% service fee included. So, I would definitely recommend checking out New Talent night at Caroline's on Broadway for anyone interested in what's new/up-in-comming in the comedy world! Also if anyone knows the names of anyone who performed this night please let me know!

memories

Everyday in 8th grade we went to Kody's pool after school.

There was always one ninth grader there.

Who asked, everyday, if he could spit on me.

He'd say:

"PLEASE JUST LET ME SPIT ON YOU"

I'd say

"NO! Absolutely not."

He'd say

"Fine if it's not on your face then how about on your hand?"

I'd say

"SHUT UP!"

And then cry the whole walk home.

Even today I hate it when guys spit on a girl's vajayjay's in pornos.

BARACK out!

A friend sent this video to me a couple days ago 

and I can't get it out of my head 

so I thought I'd share with anyone reading out there.  

The video is a compilation of Obama speeches 

cut together to Rick Astley's 'Never Gonna Give You Up'.
enjoy.

NY Comedy Festival: Sarah Silverman & Friends: 11.8.08

Last night I was lucky enough to be able to go see Sarah Silverman and Friends at Hammerstein Ballroom as part of the New York Comedy Festival. The line for this thing spanned two blocks, but the energy of the line wasn't even one of annoyance, but pure excitement.

My seats were in section 1 so it was super exciting to see the show up close, even though the venue is a little bigger than what I'm used to. The host of the show was forgettable. His name could have been Mark maybe? He did impressions of random historical people singing rock and roll songs, and neither myself nor the rest of the audience thought it was that funny. His performance was worrisome, as he opened the show, and it was unclear as to who the rest of the 'and Friends' were going to be. But true to the title, the other acts truly are Sarah's friends, or at the very least, they play her friends on TV.

The first guy up was Steve Agee, who plays one of Sarah's gay best friends on 'The Sarah Silverman Program'. He showed the audience a video that he sent to Comedy Central to get cast on Sarah's show. The clip showed his love of both Halloween and masturbating. To show his versatility as an actor, he showed another clip that illustrated his love of, this time, Thanksgiving and masturbating. There's nothing more natural than an overweight man jerking it, dressed like an Indian (circa 1970), to the fondest moments of Thanksgiving: turkey, Indians, small pox, Miles Standish, etc. Overall he was pretty funny, although his set was very short.

The next of the 'and Friends' was none other than Brian Posehn, who plays Sarah's other gay best friend and Steve Agee's lover on 'The Sarah Silverman Program'. His self-deprecating brand of comedy really hit the spot. One of my favorite moments was Posehn describing knowing his place in the world and what he will never be able to do due to his massive size. His set was much longer than Agee's and the audience laughed most at his set, thus far.

While Agee and Posehn were both really funny, everyone was really there for one reason: Sarah Silverman. The crowd went wild when Sarah emerged from backstage and opened by

informing is that this was, "her first time doing stand-up with a black president!" Each word to come out of her mouth was funnier than the last. She also performed some of her musical stylings from her DVD "Jesus is Magic", as well as some from her show. Most of her material was new to me, but I obviously still enjoyed the bits I had already heard. Sarah's performance was obviously the longest, as she was the headliner, but the show was only about an hour and a half, which seemed was a little short. I would have liked to see more opening acts to intensify the build up for Sarah, but I guess she wanted to take her post-show monster bong hit earlier (I don't blame her at all because I bet she gets crazy awesome weed). All in all, the show was a great experience for me. I've looked up to Sarah Silverman for many years and to be able to finally see her live really was exciting for me! Look out for me at Sarah's next show in NYC.

words I usually spell wrong:

-rediculous
-nesecarry
-tournament

Big Terrific 11.6.08

Thursdays are the highlight of my week. Besides being one day away from the weekend, it's also, the night of 'Big Terrific', a weekly comedy show, at Soundfix Lounge in Williamsburg. I've been to the show four or five times so far and have yet to be disappointed.

A really awesome thing about 'Big Terrific' is that it's always different. At last night's show, Gabe Liedman and Jenny Slate, two of the three hosts of 'Big Terrific', opened the night with a hilarious skit about the miscommunication of their love for each other, and, then, Jenny did her boring tunes, where weren't boring at all but so comically riveting that they demanded an encore from the audience, and Gabe riled up the boys by telling jokes for the men in the room (as long as the guys in the audience were M4M). The Gabe and Jenny duo had a real chemistry that was hard to deny, but as solo acts they were super cool too. The third host, Max Silvestri, did an act accompanied by short movies, photos and other assorted media. Everything that he put on the projector, accentuated by his witty commentary made me laugh.

Each week there are usually four to six comedians who perform. Last night's lineup was as follows: Arj Barker, Gabriel Delahaye, Noah Garfinkel and Anthony Jeselink. Each one did a great job at perpetuating the funny-bone vibe that kept me and the audience laughing. Big Terrific also does justice to women comedians, like Jenny Slate, who never fails to make me feel like I'm not actually, the most vulgar girl in the room. All in all, I'm addicted and it's better than crack (almost...). I'll probably be there next Thursday, hope to see you there!

if truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in a library?

I wish I had more interesting hair.

It's brown, it's strait, and it ends up looking exactly the same...

whether or not I do anything to it or not.

Here are some styles I wish I could pull off:

The Marie Antionette:
Or as I like to call it the "Don't Sit Behind This Bitch"
It may seem a little outdated, but history repeats itself so get over it. Once you've mastered this style, the possibilities are endless. I mean think about it, if you can make the top of your head look like some over-styled poodle, then whose to say there is anything you can't do. Once I master this one I'm running for Vice President.

The Spindle:

Or as I like to call it the "Easy Access to Richard Gere's Anus"
If you wanted a hampster to crawl into your butt, you would (ideally) use one of those cardboard tubes that come under your toilet paper/paper towels. Who wouldn't want apply the same principal to their hairstyle! This is one of those styles that screams "Put The Animal Directly Into My Brain Because it's a MUCH Longer Journey From the Anus". Can't go wrong with that.

The Bright Idea:

Or as I like to call it the "One Anus is Not Enough"

This look shows that there's little to no brain activity going on inside that skull of yours. Which is totally in right now. I wouldn't be surprised if everyone in the entire world had this 'do tomorrow. It's for the person on the go...and by on the go I mean they really have to go. They don't have time to tell you the reason they're running. Once they run past you, you'll already know. Who knew a hairstyle could be stylish and alert the general public that you love pooping?

The "Bird's Nest":

Or as I like to call it the "We Are Boning Tonight"
If I could pull this hairstyle off, I would be seeing more action than the backseat of Todd Palin's snow mobile. Probably the most sexual hairstyle that has ever been created. It's hard to put the feelings I'm feeling into words right now because they are mostly feelings in my pants. Delish!

More to come...