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This Really Just Happened.

What do I do when a friend says something ridiculous on AIM? Lets find out.

johnnyhighfive500: i dont believe that the pyramids are real

JiLLpaysdaBillz: ?

johnnyhighfive500: like i find it hard to believe that humans back in the day made them

JiLLpaysdaBillz: well if you want your mind to be blow ill tell you what i think

johnnyhighfive500: aliens

JiLLpaysdaBillz: no

johnnyhighfive500: tellme

JiLLpaysdaBillz: ok i think that humans were like ever better than they are not like thousands of years ago

JiLLpaysdaBillz: and like there was a huge crazy civilization

JiLLpaysdaBillz: like a fuck ton more advanced and awesome than ours today

JiLLpaysdaBillz: and basically either global warming happened or they blew themselves up or all got sick and died

JiLLpaysdaBillz: and then thousands of years (maybe millions) went by and like everything just like disappeared but the pyramids and then like somehow some bacteria started evolution

JiLLpaysdaBillz and it just all started again

JiLLpaysdaBillz: just with some hints from the past

johnnyhighfive500: that would be crazy

johnnyhighfive500: yeah but the pyramids were like 4000 years ago

JiLLpaysdaBillz: thats what you think

JiLLpaysdaBillz: its just so advanced you can't understand

johnnyhighfive500: aliens

JiLLpaysdaBillz: fuck aliens, aliens are so cliche

johnnyhighfive500: they are so real

JiLLpaysdaBillz: i mean aliens are real

JiLLpaysdaBillz: but like they are not involved in this

JiLLpaysdaBillz: ok wait time out

johnnyhighfive500: time in

johnnyhighfive500: i cant wait till the worlds mysterys are all figured out

This conversation is real and did go on longer, yet neither party was under the influence of any drugs.

Big Terrific @ Cameo 3.18.09

Anyone who has read this blog before is aware that 'Big Terrific' is one of my favorite weekly stand-up shows, so when I heard that Soundfix Lounge was closing down to become and Urban Outfitters that sells only toe rings, needless to say, I was sad. But luckily for everyone, 'Big Terrific' was not turned into an Urban Outfitters, nor a toe ring. They just switched locations and times. The show is now located at Cameo (93 N. 6th Street, Williamsburg) and is on Wednesday nights (instead of Thursdays). Some things have stayed the same: it is still free, starts at 8 o'clock sharp, and is still hilarious. The place is kind of hard to find because #93 on the street is just a grey door that does not open, but if you look closely at a paper taped to the door you see that you can enter through the resturant nextdoor (The Loving Cup). But don't expect it to be easy to find once you get into the resturant. The show may be free, but if you're not smart enough to figure out how to get to the performance space, then you're shit out of luck. There are no signs for Cameo once you are inside, but the trick is to walk to the back (as if you are going to the bathroom), pass the bathrooms, go behind a curtain, answer a riddle from a leprechan, cross the bridge and viola (!) there you are! Okay you don't have to answer a riddle or cross a bridge, but it's complicated. The new space has very high ceilings and two large canvasas with what I would call abstract art (I know little to nothing about art), a stage and several benches and chairs. It definitely has more of a interesting vibe than Soundfix does, although it may have less seating (as if that is even possible).

The show started with the always entertaining Max Silvestri. He told some new jokes, that mostly centered around "black cum" (not as in a black person's cum, but if semen were the color black), which actually paired well with one of the pieces of art, which looked like an explosion of black cum (or paint, depending on how dirty you are...in my mind, it was cum). Anywho...this week's show featured Julian McCullough (Comedy Central), Jena Friedman, Joe Mande (Totally J/K & Best Week Ever), hosts Gabe & Jenny and Michelle Collions (editor of bestweekever.tv). A recurring theme last night was dreams. Whether or not they are interesting, terrible ones, dreams where you wake up covered in urine, etc. I've seen Julian McCullough and Joe Mande before, but they were both really great tonight. Gabe and Jenny performed pieces about cats that they had worked on separately (gasp!) and then performed a hilarious script they wrote about a married couple, with some issues, named Renee and Gene. The final performer, Michelle Collins, is not only the editor of BestWeekEver.tv, but also just recently won the ECNY Award for Best Female Comedian! Not only that, but she works in my office, on my floor. She really stole the show. She talked about basically everything awesome: Britney Spear's and her pussy, throwing up, and getting condoms lodged into your vagina.

Overall, a great night. If you're looking to laugh, I suggest you go to Big Terrific next Wednesday at it's new location. Do it.

O'Harold Night @ UCB 3.17.09

Everyone got into the St. Patricks Day spirit yesterday, by wearing green, drinking before noon and eating corned beef. The UCB was no exception. Instead of carrying on with their regularly scheduled Harold Night, it was transformed into a more Irish version: O'Harold Night.

There are several differences between Harold Night and O'Harold Night.

• O'Harold Night is once a year on St. Patty's Day


• The performers are not put into their usual teams, but instead seperated into groups: Sober, Drunk, Drunker and Drunkest


• Besides the 'Sober' group, the performers are getting wasted backstage

The first group (Sober) came on stage and performed a Harold. They were creative, thoughtful, clever and funny. Even with the added distraction of the other performers yelling and chanting backstage. The next group (Drunk) put in a good effort, as well. Their Harold was a little sloppier than the first one, but was still respectable. The third group to approach the stage, Drunker, were rowdy and much harder to follow. They spoke over each other and some performers really had no idea what was going on. One guy even came into my section of the audience and tried to convince audience members that he was not the drunkest person there, all while his group was attempting to perform. The final group, Drunkest, certainly lived up to their name. One of the main reasons I came to O'Harold night was because my Improv 101 teacher, Jonathan Gabrus, was to perform in the last team of the night. The 'Drunkest' group sloshed onto the stage and all tried to talk at once, mostly telling everyone to shut up. The only person who actually did try to do some improv was Gabrus, but was ignored by the rest of his team. That's when the bottles started breaking. It was pretty dangerous, especially considering that audience members were sitting on the edge of the stage. They started to pour drinks on each other and then eventually into the audience. It was about this time that the intern started freaking out, trying to sweep up the glass. The guy from the previous group, who tried to say he was not drunk, was on stage for some reason and kept falling down and taking other people down with him. Then the lights went off and the show was over.

I often think it would much easier to perform improv drunk, but this experiment proved that even the most talented improv-ers are no match for alcohol. Even though it turned into a cluster fuck toward the end of the show, it was super entertaining to watch. And it wasn't a total waste because Team Sober performed a real Harold and Team Drunk's was not half bad either. I've never been happier to have been in standing room only, mainly due to the fact that I left the theater without having any drinks spilled on me, nor with any glass stuck into my skin.

I Eat Panda @ UCB 3.16.09

Tonight I went to a show that is pretty much already my new obsession: I Eat Pandas. You might be thinking to yourself, "What is this girl talking about?" or you might already be cool and know about it.

I Eat Pandas is a two woman (Eliza Skinner and Glennis McMurray) musical improv power house, which also includes a piano player. They perform three Broadway-esque musicals in one hour, all three of which are based on a one word suggestion. The first musical is performed in 25 minutes, followed by a 15 minute musical and a five minute musical. Each short musical was completely unique, believable, impressive and inspiring (for me, personally). Also, their timing was fantastic, not only in terms of delivery, but they set the lights on a timer at the beginning of each performance and finished exactly when the lights went off. Tonight's suggestion was 'dragon'.

The 25-minute musical dealt with themes of longing for the unknown, love and honesty. Skinner and McMurray played several characters each and almost seamlessly broke out into song, when appropriate. The songs were intelligent and extremely funny. The 15-minute show, showcased two ducks who wished they were a dragon and a R&B singer, respectively. By the end of this performance, they literally had the audience clapping and quacking along. The final installment dealth with dragon sisters who struggled to find common ground.

This may be my new favorite show to go to. I know that I Eat Panda will be performing again next Monday at 9:30 at the UCB Theater (407 w.26th St.) and I will definitely be in attendance. I don't believe that they perform each and every week, so I would highly recommend going.

Jill Hornstein: Animal Psychic

Do you ever wonder what animals are thinking?

Well luckily for you I was hit by lightening

and now can read the minds of pets.

Also I'm kind enough to share my gift

with the world!

Here is the second installment

of my foray into the world of

a pet psychic.

Don't Give Me Flowers

I always kill flowers.

No, I don't have

some kind of personal

vendetta

against flowers.

I'm just irresponsible.

I tell my boyfriends

I don't like getting flowers.

Even though its a big lie.

Also, kind of a test.

Probably shouldn't

have kids

anytime

soon.

Chris Gethard's Magic Box of Stories 3.4.09 @ UCB

Last night I went to a show that I've been thinking about going to for awhile. At first I just wanted to go because I liked the name 'Magic Box of Stories', and then I wanted to go because I realized that the host's last name spelled out GET-HARD. But I didn't go see it at first, because those were kind of superficial and stupid reasons to go pay to do something. After all this thinking with virtually nothing to show for it, Chris Gethard hosted a Harold night that I attended. In between each Harold (group performance, for those of us not familiar with the UCB), Gethard came out and gave the audience a little taste of what his show was like...and I was sold. Being the stalker that I am, I found out that he is from West Orange, NJ. Since I am from neighboring South Orange, at this point there was no way I was not going to this show. I recruited two friends (one from West Orange) to accompany me.

The main premise of the show is that a lot of crazy/awkward/funny/random shit has happened to Chris Gethard in his life and he wants to share these experiences with whoever will listen. He writes part of the experience down on multi-colored notecards and puts them inside a box (...a magic box) and lets the audience pull cards from the box, to determine what he shares that evening. I don't want to give away any of the stories, but to give you an idea of what you'll be getting yourself into, we heard about how he lost his virginity, drove down to Princeton to beat the shit out of someone he didn't know for "IM-bombing" him during his freshman year at Rutgers University, being raped by a girl and his short-lived career as a pro-wrestling manager (in my hometown of South Orange...woo woo represent).

As aforementioned, he asks the audience to pick cards. My friend, Danielle, yells out, "I want to pick it! I'm from West Orange too!". Which leads to him asking her how she knew this, leading to her pointing at me (also a stranger) and then the two of them realizing that they grew up litterally one block from each other, and Danielle realizing that she knows the person who he has described as, recently, having been arrested for child pornography. It was a great moment in time.

This show occurs semi-often at the UCB and is worth the 500 pennies ($5) it costs for admission. Check it out people.

Ask Ray J: Watch and Listen!

As some of you may remember, I did some voice overs for a promotion called 'Ask Ray J' for VH1.com. I wanted to have the video embeded onto the page, but it is currently not working. So I will keep trying to get it up, but until then you can check out the videos here and here.

I, along with four other women, sing the theme song. I also ask one question per episode. See if you can guess which one I am! Also I am the sexy voice saying 'Ask Ray J' at the begining and end. Please leave feedback in the comments section. There are three more videos that will be out soon enough, which I will post as soon as they are ready! Enjoy!

hint: in the first video my name starts with a R

and in the second it starts with a T

Adsit & Guasas @ UCB 2.25.09

Tonight I went to see 'Adsit & Guasas' at the UCB Theatre in Chelsea. I really was not sure what to expect from this show as the description of it was: "Scott Adist (30 Rock) and Christina Gausas (Late Night w/ Conana O'Brien) improvise an hour long one-act play that can be both hilarious and physical and heart-breaking and still, come and see for yourself." So besides that fact that I love '30 Rock', I was super intrigued. And even now I'm not sure how I feel about what I saw. It started off a little bit slow, but once they were both on the same page, it seemed almost impossible that they were improvising. Each line worked perfectly with the scene at hand and they had great chemistry together on stage. Also I was very impressed with both of their memories. At one point, Gausas had listed five men's names in the scene and then later on she referenced the same five names. This show wasn't exactly funny the entire way through, but it certainly did have a certain charm that made it enjoyable to watch. The pair perform this show on several Wednesdays each month. The next time you can catch this show is this upcomming Wednesday (March 4) and also March 18th, 2009, both at 9:30 PM.

Ask Ray J: Layin' Down the Tracks

Today I got the opportunity to be a part of VH1.com's new promotion called 'Ask Ray J'.   The premise of 'Ask Ray J' is that he answers fan submitted questions. I got to sing the theme music along with 4 other ladies.  In addition to singing the theme, I did voiceovers for five of the questions and also something else that I'll explain once the video is available. The picture above is me recording some of the voice overs at Orbit Studio in Times Square.  

Pro V. Con: Face Tattoos

A few months ago, I hadn't really given face tattoos much thought. And I don't know if it's just me, but lately they have been everywhere. Maybe now I'm conditioned to noticing them because they have been all over the television these days, but I have noticed some face-tat-toting ladies and gentlemen out there on the subway. I decided to weigh the pros and the cons of this pressing issue.

Pros vs. Cons: Face Tattoos

Pro:

• when asking directions for the bus, people will offer their wallets
  
• you can cut any line
  
• girlfriends won't pressure you to meet their parents
  
• everyday is Halloween!
  
• intimidate small children by doing nothing
• people constantly staring at you raises self esteem
• gang recruitment becomes easier

Con:

• minimum wage earners club lifetime membership
  
• even face skin gets wrinkly
  
• probably at least an accessory to murder
  
• people constantly staring at you makes you self concious
  
• You have a tattoo on your fucking face...for life.

You Decide.

Harold Night @ UCB Theater 2.17.09

So tonight I went to my first Harold Night at the Upright Citizen's Brigade (UCB). 'Harold' is a technique for long form improv developed by Del Close, and it is very funny. I am taking a class at the UCB training center and it is required that you attend two improv shows before the last class session (students get in free woop woop), and I'm really glad that it was required of me because I went early in the 'semester' and enjoyed it a lot, so now plan on integrating more UCB shows into my weekly schedule. They have usually 3 totally different shows each night of the week, the shows cost at most $10 (though most are $5) and there is no drink minimum, but there is a bar with very reasonable prices (not just for NYC, but even if you were at dive bar in Minnesota or some equally irrelevant state). So it's good.

Back to Harold Night. It's every week and 5 improv groups (8 people each) work their magic to create 5 completely original and hilarious long-form improv shows for only $5 (which in my opinion is worth more than a footlong from Subway). Each show, within the show, is about 30 minutes, with a 5 minute intermission between each. You can stay for all 5, or leave whenever you want. I stayed for three groups: 'The Fucking Kennedys', 'Bastian' and 'Ragnarock'. At the start of each show they take a one-word suggestion from the audience. The suggestions of these shows were picnic basket, California, and pinata. By using the Harold techniques, they create a very smart show, usually there is a consistent theme throughout the performance that is much deeper than the original prompt, and also very funny. It just impresses me so much that these 8 people (and I'm talking about all the Harold teams in general) went on stage with nothing prepared and came up with something so clever right off the cuff.

My favorite Harold team tonight was 'Ragnarock'. The team had 3 girls and 5 guys and their prompt was pinata, which led to themes of the political and economic situation in the world through situations about family, sex and kittens taking over the world (to name a few).

I just recently finished a book about long-form improv, Truth in Comedy. While reading it, the techniques made sense to me, but I had no idea what it the end result would be like. Tonight, while watching this show, so much of what I had read clicked into place. I'm really glad that I grew the balls to start this class because so far it has been an extremely positive experience and who knows? Maybe one day I'll be skilled enough to join a Harold team myself. Time will tell.

Inside Joke W/ Janeane Garofalo @ UCB Theater 2.16.09

Tonight I went to my first show ever at the Upright Citizen's Brigade Theater (W. 26th Street). I was not sure what to expect because I just picked one at random and decided to check it out. I knew that they put on improv and sketch shows there, what I got was completely different, but in a good way.

I attended 'Inside Joke', which is advertised on their schedule as "a cross between Charlie Rose and This Old House, minus the interruptions and power tools.' For many, this description would have been enough for them to gather what they were about to see, however, I have never seen Charlie Rose, nor This Old House because from what I hear they are boring and for old people. Anyways, I would describe it as similar to Inside the Actor's studio, minus James Lipton.

The show's host, Carl Armheiter, asked this week's guest, Janeane Garafalo questions about how she got started, her opinions on parts she has played, as well as other fun banter. I was pretty excited to watch because I've seen 'Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion' about 4 million times, not to mention having seen her on 'The Ben Stiller Show', as a kid. Also, I learned a lot about her that I would never know. One thing that really stuck out to me was that she does not have e-mail, nor use a computer. Also she hates all the negativity in the 'blogesphere', but since I don't write mean things I figured it was alright to write about this. Anywho...I find it crazy that anyone could survive without a computer, but I guess people did it for hundreds of years so to each their own.

As the show was being wrapped up, a girl in the audience screamed out "I have a question!!". She asked Garafalo if she would be interested in producing "a show like Curb, but for girls." It didn't seem that she was super interested in being the producer of this project, but she offered to speak with the girl after the show and get her in touch with her manager who probably would be interested! What a great break for that girl right? Regardless it just shows what a nice person Janeane Garafalo really is, even though she has been type-cast as a bitch.

Happy Valentines Day!

What's Wrong With This Picture?

Everything.

An Elephant Never Forgets

What a dickhead

The Republican party might want to get a better marketing team.

p.s. this is not about my political opinion

it is just a great picture 

so please shut it, in advance.

Would You Rather...

That's right kiddies...another exciting installment of Would You Rather!

Would You Rather...

• have a functioning penis as a nose OR a functioning vagina as a mouth?
• be known for being a reality TV whore OR have self respect?
• wear a porcupine on your head at all times OR always wear a jacket made of rotting banana peels?
• fart skittles OR have colored smoke come out of your butt each time?
• have your face actually freeze like that OR go blind from jerking off too much?

[leave your responses in the comments section]

25 Random Facts About Me

So Facebook has been bombarding us with notes written by people we haven't spoken to in 10 years titled "25 Random Things About Me". And basically, aside from like two (that I've read), they are one giant cliche. Of course your friends and family are important to you and one of your 'random facts' doesn't have to be "I don't normally do these things, but..." So I decided to create my own list of 25 FACTS about myself that you probably haven't seen on other people's lists.

1. I truly believe that I will be murdered (please don't help me out with it)
2. I litterally throw up when people have snot on their face or carry around bags of dog shit.
3. I haven't been able to pee in front of anyone (unless I'm wasted) since 2nd grade because two boys barged into a bathroom I was using.
4. I broke my leg skateboarding when I was 2 years old. My cast was green and we kept it above our fireplace until it started to smell worse than someone carrying around a bag of dog shit.
5. After freshman year in college I was in car accident and pissed my pants (like a lot) and never told anyone else that was in the car. (sorry guys)
6. My favorite planet is Jupiter and it's because its the fattest and it has, what I consider to be, a big pimple on it.
7. As a child, I told people I was a witch (for many years).
8. I prefer driving alone so I can sing pop music as loud as I can, while pretending I'm a pop star AKA removing my underwear and getting out of cars while people take pictures of my cooter (ok that last part is a lie, no one takes pictures).
9. Anyone that says 'panties' and is serious about it, is dead to me from that moment forward.
10. I don't trust people that don't like cheese.
11. I secretly wish I had no dignity so I could be a porn or reality star...or both.
12. As good as it might feel to do meth, I would never ever consider trying it because I'd like to keep my teeth for the long haul.
13. I usually agree when I don't know what someone is talking about.
14. I think that soda tastes like shit because of the bubbles.
15. I never ate ham until I was in college.
16. In middle school my nickname was "Bullseye" because apparently my nipples were hard the whole year and I didn't wear bras. I found out what it meant the last day of 8th grade.
17. I think celebrities are the bees knees, but would never hook up with one.
18. I have bitten my toenails before, but rarely my fingernails.
19. I am related to Broadway legend, Bernadette Peters (she is my cousin).
20. Since I was about 8, all my wishes have been to get big boobs.
21. I'd like to be C-List famous.
22. My best friend and I have an agreement that if either of us gets a dick for a day, we would blow each other just so we could know what it felt like.
23. I think it's really fun to talk into a fan and pretend I'm a robot.
24. I cried in the movie 'Hitch'.
25. There are only 24 facts about me.

[In case you were wondering I'm wearing a crab hat in that picture. A hat shaped like a crab]

You're Welcome America: Will Ferrell On Broadway 2.3.09

I've been a big fan of Broadway since my parents took me to see 'Grease' for my 9th birthday. Since then I have seen probably over 15 shows, and I can honestly say that 'You're Welcome America: A Final Evening With George W. Bush' is my new favorite. I had heard it was spectacular, and had very high expectations, which were matched, doubled, spanked and then cuddled with. My seats were on the 2nd mezzanine, but in the 2nd row, so overall were actually great seats, and the theater was completely packed. As I'm sure it will be every single night for the rest of it's three month run on Broadway.

The stage decor was simple: a chair, a fence, three screens along the back curtain and the infamous red emergency phone (on a podium), while Ferrell's entrance was anything but. The flapping wings of a helicopter were heard coming from the back of the theater, while a large cloud of smoke filled the stage, in a real "it's a bird, it's a plane, it's President Bush" fashion, Ferrell was lowered from the sky. Anyone who has watched Saturday Night Live, knows that Ferrell's George Dubyah's impression is spot on, but when you see it in person it is almost scary how real it seems. President Bush (as I will now refer to him) explained how he thought it was a joke that he was being brought to the Big Apple, and told the pilot to "drop him off in the faggy theater district, and here I am so I guess the joke's on me."

Former President Bush took the audience on a journey through his history, beginning with his upbringing as a true Texan, born in Connecticut, who went to boarding schools and universities in New England. He explains where he was when he was supposedly 'AWOL': spending a year full of man bonding, and western hand-jobs, in a Vermont cabin with pal, David Rothchild. Bush takes us up to election night 2000, when he was annoyed that nothing better was on TV, and trying to convince Al Gore that the Geneva Convention prevented him from taking back his concession phone call.

Upon winning the presidency, Bush shared his insecurities about not knowing what the fuck he was supposed to do. He introduced the audience to the members of his cabinet via the screens on the stage, sharing a anecdotes about each. However, one very large player gets left out because she and President Bush "have such a strong connection". This woman is Condeleeza Rice and stage right opens up and smoke pours out and Condeleeza Rice emerges and dances sexily with the President. Some critics have said that she stole the show, so I expected her role to be much larger. This was a great part in the performance, but I disagree that anyone could have stolen the show from Ferrell. The photo to the right, while somewhat unclear do to the lighting, shows Bush and Rice's sensual dance. In a similar manner, Bush went through his super top secret presidential phone book with the numbers of all the world leaders. My favorite part of this when he imitated the lisp of the leader of Spain. He spoke with the lisp for several minutes before declaring that "sometimes I just can't stop talking that way!"

The rest of the show was mostly devoted to the war in Iraq and Bush's role in it. It all started when he was reading one of the most interesting pieces of literature of his life on September 11th, 2001 and 'ended' with a large victory banner spelling out "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED". He compared himself to past presidents that he believed did a worse job than he did and even told the audience that one of his top skills was giving out nicknames. He asked for people in the audience to shout out their name and their occupation so he could come up with the best nickname they'd ever heard. My favorites were a high school student that he named 'pimple face', a history teacher that he named 'teacher of un-necessary subjects' and an unemployed man who he dubbed 'not my fault'. I thought this was pretty cool because he got the audience involved and actually made up their nicknames on the fly. Also one great thing I forgot to mention, was that throughout the show he refered to Barack Obama as 'The Tiger Woods Guy'.

The show ended and Ferrell, naturally, got a standing ovatation. The chatter heard while descending the stairs toward the exit was nothing, but extremely positive. After the show I waited at the stage door, hoping to get to meet Will Ferrell. What happened was more than I could have asked for. The first people to emerge from the stage door were comedy and marijuana pioneers, Cheech and Chong! Cheech seemed like he wanted nothing to do with anyone, but Tommy Chong waved to the crowd and allowed pictures to be taken of him. The next group out the woman who played Condeleeza Rice, Leslie Bibb (Mrs. Ricky Bobby in Talladega Nights), following by three members of the starting line up of the New York Knicks. Then, one of my personal favorite comedians, Louis CK, came out of the door and was kind of enough to talk to me for a few minutes and take a picture. The feeling outside was intense and excited, no one was being rude or pushing, which was plesant and unexpected.

Then the big moment came, the one and only, Will Ferrell, emerged from the stage door. He was extremely nice, especially considering how huge of a star he really is. He signed autographs for everyone waiting, leaving no one disappointed. He also took pictures with any fans that asked. One of the most exciting moments of my life was when Will Ferrell had his arm around me, my mother told me she got a picture. Unfortunately this high, was followed by one of the largest disappointments in my life, when I looked through the pictures realizing that my mom had pushed the wrong button and there, in fact, was no picture of me and one of my favorite actors of all time. I guess the lesson is: you never put any responsibility in the hands of anyone over 50, at least when technology is involved. The main thing that sucks is that many other people took pictures when he had his arm around me, yet I will never get to see one because I don't know any of these people. Oh well, I still had a great experience with the whole show and one day when I'm famous and important, I'll tell Ferrell this story and we'll laugh about it.

Jill Hornstein: Animal Psychic

Do you ever wonder what animals are thinking?

Well luckily for you I was hit by lightening

and now can read the minds of pets.

Also I'm kind enough to share my gift

with the world!

Here is the first of many installations

of my foray into the world of a pet psychic.

What Is Happening In This Picture?

This fish is either eating another fish, or smoking a joint.

You decide:

A) Fish on fish crime

B) The cause of the 6 

second attention span

leave your answer in the comments section.

Chelsea Handler @ Carnegie Hall 1.23.09

I've been looking forward to this show for so many months that writing this blog post is almost hard, mostly because it's over.  But the longer I wait the less amazing the experience is going to come off so here I go.  

I first got into Chelsea Handler several years ago through my Chelsea-obsessed cousin, Michele, who has seen Chelsea's shows more times than I can count and has risked her life by driving through snowstorms to see her stand up, way before her popularity skyrocketed through her late night show, Chelsea Lately.  Michele showed me everything Chelsea had done (up to that point) and once I saw it, I knew I was hooked (although obviously not as much as she was).  Since then I've followed Chelsea's career by religiously watching Chelsea Lately, as well as reading both of her books, 'Are You There Vodka, It's Me Chelsea' and 'My Horizontal Life', which are both amazing and I would recommend them to everyone that knows how to read.  Unfortunately, I had never been able to see her perform stand up, as she now lives in L.A. and performs in New York infrequently.  So, way back in October, when I saw that she would be performing stand up at Carnegie Hall on January 23rd, I called up Michele and informed her that I had to come with her this time, and gladly forked over $50 for the tickets.

Carnegie Hall is not your typical stand up comedy venue, as it exudes class.  However, the beautiful venue only enhanced the experience by giving it a more fancy feel.  The house was packed and our seats were on the third tier, but in the first row on the far right, so it almost felt as though we had our own V.I.P. box (we didn't) because our view was fantastic.  I was super excited and almost peed myself before the show started, but luckily for Carnegie Hall, it's a classy place so I felt bad and used the ladies room before the show.

The show opened with a familiar face to anyone who regularly watches Chelsea Lately, Heather McDonald.  Heather's set was a mix of personal experiences and impersonations, and it was hilarious.  Many of her jokes centered around parenting her two sons and step daughter, which I appreciated greatly, though it will probably scar the children later in life.  She impersonated Drew Barrymore's lisp to the T (or should I say to the thsssss), the Kardashian-Jener posse, the ever-annoying Aliana Lohan, Celine Dion and even took it as far to parody her husband's Korean baby mama telling her to make sure little McKenzie eats her broccowi (not a type-o, sound it out grammar police assholes).  Heather's set was great and I found out that she co-wrote one of the most ridiculous, over-the-top and hilarious movies of our generation, the incomporable, White Chicks, which makes her 10x more awesome in my book!

When Heather introduced Chelsea Handler, the crowd went wild.  The crowd consisted mostly of girls and gay men, so the noise was high pitched and piercing.  What can I say about Chelsea besides that she is amazing and it's no wonder she has had her own show, twice.  Chelsea is relatable, to me, in that she hails from New Jersey (less than 10 minutes from where I live), she is jewish (I am half) and she's not socially awkward.  She says, aloud, things that I get embarrassed even thinking about.  For example, a significant segment of her set was based on her discovery of masturbation, at age 8, at a sleepover.  Around the time she told, and acted out, this very detailed event, a young boy approached the stage with a very large bottle of Grey Goose AKA Chelsea's signature vodka.  While thanking the young boy (maybe 12 years old), she also told his parents that it probably wasn't the best parenting to have their young son at a clearly R-rated show.  Many of her jokes related to stories she told in both of her books, some of my favorite, being those about her father, who actually graced the stage with his presence.  It was a family affair, even Chelsea's boyfriend, Ted, was in attendance.  Seeing Chelsea Handler do stand up, exceeded my expectations by a lot (which I can't believe due to my extremely high expectations).  After the show, my cousin, her friend and I went to the stage door to try and sneak a peek at Ms. Handler, and in an awesome twist of fate, we actually went to the correct door and got to meet Chelsea herself!  She was super nice, even with a growing crowd of fans surrounding her.  I was extremely lucky in that I got to speak with her and tell her how much I enjoyed reading her book and recognizing the places she referred to in Jersey.  I expected her to be like "OK GREAT MOVE OUT OF MY WAY", but she was extremely friendly, even asking me if I'm familiar with more places in our surrounding areas.  My cousin, Michele, was snapping pictures away and randomly got one of me actually speaking with Chelsea.  While it is not the best photo, this website is about attention so here you go: 

Also, she signed my copy of "Are You There Vodka, It's Me Chelsea".  Her inscription says illustrates exactly why I am such a big fan: "Jill -  Suck It  - Chelsea".

Is this appropriate?

  

This is my new favorite youtube video.  These guys are more entertaining than most people on TV.

It's in your best interest to watch this.

He Had it All Along

Most people are at least aware of a little show called Rock of Love. Most people aren't aware of it to the extent that I am, but that's a problem I am working on privately. As someone who was more or less in the fetal stage of development when Poison became famous, I had never really seen any photos of Bret before all the surgery and hair extensions, so I decided to do some research and find out what all the hype was originally about.

What I found was shocking. I was expecting #4 on Playgirl's Hottest Men on Earth list circa 1988 would look like Brad Pitt or someone as equally dripping with masculinity. Unfortunately what I discovered is that the band Poison, was made up entirely of women. There are whores who don't wear as much make up as these guys. What I also found interesting, is that the other members of Poison all look like girls who have appeared on the show. This is exemplified by the cover to their album "Look What the Cat Dragged In". So I took the liberty of photo shopping the girls names onto the album cover for your viewing pleasure.

If you are not as familiar with Rock of Love as I am, you can compare this album cover to the real girls: Marcia(the Brasilian firecracker who choked out Ashley on the first episode of season 3), Ashley (she sang a song about Marcia taking a shit and then got choked), and of course the 'New York' of Rock of Love, Heather Chadwell (also has appeared on Rock of Love 2, I Love Money, & Charm School, and undoubtedly at least 3 more VH1 celebreality shows in the future).

Big Terrific 1.15.09

I couldn't possibly have come out of my winter cocoon without going to my favorite stand-up show, Big Terrific! I haven't been able to go in almost a month and it has been the one of the least funny months of my life. Big Terrific, in case you don't know, is a weekly comedy show at Sound Fix Lounge in Williamsburg (110 Bedford Ave), that takes place each Thursday at "8 o'clock sharp", which usually means around 8:30. But if you want to get a seat I would recommend arriving a little before 8, since the show is growing increasingly popular each day and the number of seats stays constant(that is the most math I am capable of doing).Anywho...Big Terrific is hosted by Max Silvestri, Jenny Slate and Gabe Liedman. Max opened up the show with some completely appropriate jokes about the plane crash of the day (a plane crashed into the Hudson River yesterday because some geese flew into the engine, but no one was hurt, in case you have no idea what I'm referring to). Max was probably the first person in history to publicly joke about this plane crash, granted it happened hours before, the jokes were new, fresh and weren't offensive to anyone (except maybe geese, but geese suck anyway so who cares).

Up first was Myq Kaplan, who introduced himself as "a jewish". His jokes were mostly self-deprecating, but he also threw in a few about abortion and rape, which is always a winning combination. He used a lot of words in his jokes and they often made sentences that were funny when said aloud.

Following Kaplan was Sean O'Connor, who was introduced, by Max, as having started the most stand-up shows in NYC. O'Connor lived up to his name by having red hair. Not only was his set funny, but also informative. For example, did you know that a man can ejaculate with a flaccid penis? Neither did I, until O'Connor explained not only that it was possible, but in detail how he discovered this scientific anomaly. The way I see it the dirtier, the better so I give O'Connor two thumbs up (your butthole).

Following O'Connor was, Rob Lathan of Human Giant and also other things. He began by showing the audience a wonderful skill of his, fast hands. I just tried to youtube "fast hands" and only got a bunch of nerds playing video games, so unfortunately I have no example to show, but it was pretty sweet to watch his face turn beet red while performing this fantastic feat. He also talked about yesterday's plane crash, but focused more on where was immigration and security when these Canadian Geese were coming into the US. I enjoyed it.

Next was Eugene Mirman of the hit HBO series, Flight of the Conchords. Before Mirman took the stage, Max passed out slips of paper to the audience. The papers had questions on them: name, age, male/female/bothsies, "what are you afraid of?", "what do you need advice about?". The papers were collected and handed to Mirman at the beginning of his set. He informed us about he new book, 'The Will to Whatev', which offers up life advice that is somewhat to very useful. Before he got to our questions, he showed three short videos that gave advice on high school, getting into college and drugs & rock 'n roll. The videos were just him sitting in a room talking, but ended up hilarious because what he said, at times, was ridiculous (or ridiculously true?), also because his facial expressions were so serious throughout. Then he got to the audience questions and yippee mine was picked, as was my friend's. My fear was 'walking on subway grates on the street',(which is an actual lifelong fear of mine) and what I needed advice on was 'how to stay off facebook'. He told me that my fear was totally irrational because no one ever falls through (even though that is not enough for me to walk on them if I don't have to and he said it in a much more entertaining way), and his advice for my facebook problem was to get into a horrible relationship so I would have no time to be on the computer because I would be too busy screaming and pressing charges. He was fantastic and it's no surprise to me that he is on a HBO series.

The final act of the night, was none other than Gabe & Jenny! I'm not sure that it's possible for me to get sick of them, and this was kind of tested considering I saw them two nights in a row. While some of the material was repeated from the night before (I still laughed and thought it was just as funny as the first time I heard it), they also featured new material and a longer set. The highlight of their performance, however, was probably the video short they showed and the 'skit' they performed before pressing play. Recently they were asked to recreate a black and white, silent film from back in the day. Their recreation of it litterally almost made me pee my pants because it was so chocked full of comedy.

All in all, the show was fantastic and I really can't believe I took so much time off. I'll try to never let it happen again!

picture courtesy of Max Silvestri

Totally J/K with Joe and Noah 1.14.09

It's been really cold lately and when it's cold I prefer not to go outdoors, unless it is absolutely essential, but I made some exceptions this week because I was really missing my favorite activity: watching stand-up. So this Wednesday, I headed down to my favorite place to go for free, and wonderful, stand-up comedy, Sound Fix Lounge.

Every Wednesday at 9:30 PM, Joe Mande and Noah Garfinkle host a show, appropriately titled, Totally J/K. And this week was no different. The BFFs opened the show with the "Totally JK List of Nothing", which never fails to entertain. If I had to pick, my favorite item on the list of nothing is probably "Clarrissa Explains it: Balls", which, Noah explained to me, was originally intended to be a sexual education series, starring Melissa Joan Hart, until they realized it was nothing. Although I think that Clarissa (I like Clarrisa Darling, much better than Melissa Joan Hart, so I'm going to call her that) would probably be up for the idea considering her career has amounted to nothing more than Sabrina the Teenage Witch reruns on ABC Family. Anyways, I'm getting off track. My favorite "List of Nothing" item that they actually discussed during the show was "Nut or DoughNut", which is supposed to be a spin off of Deal or No Deal and is much funnier when they explain it, so thats where I stop explaining this. Moving on..

The first performer was Roger Hailes. Hailes has written for Comedy Central, VH1 and probably a whole lot of other things that I don't know off-hand, but more than likely would recognize. Hailes' jokes are mostly observational; he spins an everyday occurance into something relatable, but also hilarious. This is my second, or third, time seeing his stand-up and each time he has brought something new to the table and has never failed to make me laugh

After Hailes, Noah came onto the stage and made jokes about his professor dying. It probably doesn't sound funny when you're reading this thinking "OMG, it's like totally not cool to make fun of dead people", but you're wrong because it is funny to make fun of dead people, especially when it's coming from Noah. So suck it. Anyways, the next act to hit the stage is one of my personal favorites: Gabe and Jenny! This boy and girl duo did jokes, for both, people with a "hangey-downey" or a "puseta" and stayed true to their promise to "entertain 100% of the audience". Also they showed a short video, from their series "Besties by Bestie", highlighting aspects of their BFF-ness, and also brought on many laughs from the audience.

Also Wyatt Cenac, from 'The Daily Show' and Baron Vaughn of Comedy Central were also there that night, but I was with friends I hadn't seen in awhile and by the time they came on I was pretty drunk so I don't want to pretend I remember specifics from their sets. I do remember that both were very funny and I guess I'll have to see them again, with a little less beer in my stomach, to fully be able to give any sort of review. Sorry about that.

All in all, I had a great night and hopefully will be back next Wednesday. For those of you who don't know, the show is every Wednesday at 9:30 PM at Soundfix Lounge in Williamsburg (110 Bedford Ave.) and the show is free, and while there is no drink minimum, there is a bar. Everyone should go to it!

i'm watching you.

I'm a total stalker. No I don't literally follow people around with binoculars and make hair dolls, but I do utilize Facebook, as well as Google (when Facebook just isn't enough) I tend to mainly stalk the same kinds of people over and over again.

I stalk the following:

people under 25 that have babies

• Babies in general, yea they're cute, but I won't purposely set aside time in my day to look at pictures of them, especially not pictures I've already seen (many, many times). But there's just something about the girl who was on your pee-wee softball team in 2nd greade and her child. I'm not even sure why I feel this way. I just have a strong compulsion to check her (even though there are multiple hers in this case...) Facebook account almost daily to see if Little Suzy learned to walk yet, ate an apple, got a new dress, pooped her pants, etc. So if you're ready this, went to high school with me, and have a baby that you post pictures of on Facebook...I hope you're comfortable with this and please don't be freaked out because I promise I'll never be outside your window like a major creeper. I'll just be several hundred miles away looking at your baby like a total creeper.

girls I believe want to fuck my boyfriend

• This one is just obvious. All girls do this. However, in my stalker world, I probably stalk these whores the least. But if you must know why its because you have to know that they've moved onto someone else and also that they're uglyier, fatter, smellier, sluttier, bitchier,and more of a loser than me. Also, in a lot of cases the girls don't really even want your boyfriend, which makes you more stalker-ish. This category of stalking doesn't really do anything besides make me feel dumb, so I'm done talking about it.

interesting people (who usually end up being very uninteresting hipsters)

• Let me clarify. You can be really interesting, but if you aren't a hipster, I prob won't stalk you. There's just something about them that is so interesting to me. I think mostly it's wondering how the kid that grew up next door to me ended up living in Williamsburg, drinking PBR, wearing glasses way too big for their face and lots of flannel. It makes me wonder, "Where did I go wrong?" and also makes me curious. I get curious about what kind of stuff they know that I just have never even heard of. Like I know a lot of pointless shit, and even some stuff that might have a point if you really search for it. But I just wonder how they think compared to how I think...so I stalk them to try and figure it out. Usually though, I find out that they don't really know/watch/see anything differently than I do and that's usually when the stalking ends.

and

people that are so ridiculously douchey you can't look away

• self-explanitory.

This video is about stalking and being funny.

(fyi:i am not affiliated with this video at all, just like it)