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This Really Just Happened.

What do I do when a friend says something ridiculous on AIM? Lets find out.

johnnyhighfive500: i dont believe that the pyramids are real

JiLLpaysdaBillz: ?

johnnyhighfive500: like i find it hard to believe that humans back in the day made them

JiLLpaysdaBillz: well if you want your mind to be blow ill tell you what i think

johnnyhighfive500: aliens

JiLLpaysdaBillz: no

johnnyhighfive500: tellme

JiLLpaysdaBillz: ok i think that humans were like ever better than they are not like thousands of years ago

JiLLpaysdaBillz: and like there was a huge crazy civilization

JiLLpaysdaBillz: like a fuck ton more advanced and awesome than ours today

JiLLpaysdaBillz: and basically either global warming happened or they blew themselves up or all got sick and died

JiLLpaysdaBillz: and then thousands of years (maybe millions) went by and like everything just like disappeared but the pyramids and then like somehow some bacteria started evolution

JiLLpaysdaBillz and it just all started again

JiLLpaysdaBillz: just with some hints from the past

johnnyhighfive500: that would be crazy

johnnyhighfive500: yeah but the pyramids were like 4000 years ago

JiLLpaysdaBillz: thats what you think

JiLLpaysdaBillz: its just so advanced you can't understand

johnnyhighfive500: aliens

JiLLpaysdaBillz: fuck aliens, aliens are so cliche

johnnyhighfive500: they are so real

JiLLpaysdaBillz: i mean aliens are real

JiLLpaysdaBillz: but like they are not involved in this

JiLLpaysdaBillz: ok wait time out

johnnyhighfive500: time in

johnnyhighfive500: i cant wait till the worlds mysterys are all figured out

This conversation is real and did go on longer, yet neither party was under the influence of any drugs.

Big Terrific @ Cameo 3.18.09

Anyone who has read this blog before is aware that 'Big Terrific' is one of my favorite weekly stand-up shows, so when I heard that Soundfix Lounge was closing down to become and Urban Outfitters that sells only toe rings, needless to say, I was sad. But luckily for everyone, 'Big Terrific' was not turned into an Urban Outfitters, nor a toe ring. They just switched locations and times. The show is now located at Cameo (93 N. 6th Street, Williamsburg) and is on Wednesday nights (instead of Thursdays). Some things have stayed the same: it is still free, starts at 8 o'clock sharp, and is still hilarious. The place is kind of hard to find because #93 on the street is just a grey door that does not open, but if you look closely at a paper taped to the door you see that you can enter through the resturant nextdoor (The Loving Cup). But don't expect it to be easy to find once you get into the resturant. The show may be free, but if you're not smart enough to figure out how to get to the performance space, then you're shit out of luck. There are no signs for Cameo once you are inside, but the trick is to walk to the back (as if you are going to the bathroom), pass the bathrooms, go behind a curtain, answer a riddle from a leprechan, cross the bridge and viola (!) there you are! Okay you don't have to answer a riddle or cross a bridge, but it's complicated. The new space has very high ceilings and two large canvasas with what I would call abstract art (I know little to nothing about art), a stage and several benches and chairs. It definitely has more of a interesting vibe than Soundfix does, although it may have less seating (as if that is even possible).

The show started with the always entertaining Max Silvestri. He told some new jokes, that mostly centered around "black cum" (not as in a black person's cum, but if semen were the color black), which actually paired well with one of the pieces of art, which looked like an explosion of black cum (or paint, depending on how dirty you are...in my mind, it was cum). Anywho...this week's show featured Julian McCullough (Comedy Central), Jena Friedman, Joe Mande (Totally J/K & Best Week Ever), hosts Gabe & Jenny and Michelle Collions (editor of bestweekever.tv). A recurring theme last night was dreams. Whether or not they are interesting, terrible ones, dreams where you wake up covered in urine, etc. I've seen Julian McCullough and Joe Mande before, but they were both really great tonight. Gabe and Jenny performed pieces about cats that they had worked on separately (gasp!) and then performed a hilarious script they wrote about a married couple, with some issues, named Renee and Gene. The final performer, Michelle Collins, is not only the editor of BestWeekEver.tv, but also just recently won the ECNY Award for Best Female Comedian! Not only that, but she works in my office, on my floor. She really stole the show. She talked about basically everything awesome: Britney Spear's and her pussy, throwing up, and getting condoms lodged into your vagina.

Overall, a great night. If you're looking to laugh, I suggest you go to Big Terrific next Wednesday at it's new location. Do it.

O'Harold Night @ UCB 3.17.09

Everyone got into the St. Patricks Day spirit yesterday, by wearing green, drinking before noon and eating corned beef. The UCB was no exception. Instead of carrying on with their regularly scheduled Harold Night, it was transformed into a more Irish version: O'Harold Night.

There are several differences between Harold Night and O'Harold Night.

• O'Harold Night is once a year on St. Patty's Day


• The performers are not put into their usual teams, but instead seperated into groups: Sober, Drunk, Drunker and Drunkest


• Besides the 'Sober' group, the performers are getting wasted backstage

The first group (Sober) came on stage and performed a Harold. They were creative, thoughtful, clever and funny. Even with the added distraction of the other performers yelling and chanting backstage. The next group (Drunk) put in a good effort, as well. Their Harold was a little sloppier than the first one, but was still respectable. The third group to approach the stage, Drunker, were rowdy and much harder to follow. They spoke over each other and some performers really had no idea what was going on. One guy even came into my section of the audience and tried to convince audience members that he was not the drunkest person there, all while his group was attempting to perform. The final group, Drunkest, certainly lived up to their name. One of the main reasons I came to O'Harold night was because my Improv 101 teacher, Jonathan Gabrus, was to perform in the last team of the night. The 'Drunkest' group sloshed onto the stage and all tried to talk at once, mostly telling everyone to shut up. The only person who actually did try to do some improv was Gabrus, but was ignored by the rest of his team. That's when the bottles started breaking. It was pretty dangerous, especially considering that audience members were sitting on the edge of the stage. They started to pour drinks on each other and then eventually into the audience. It was about this time that the intern started freaking out, trying to sweep up the glass. The guy from the previous group, who tried to say he was not drunk, was on stage for some reason and kept falling down and taking other people down with him. Then the lights went off and the show was over.

I often think it would much easier to perform improv drunk, but this experiment proved that even the most talented improv-ers are no match for alcohol. Even though it turned into a cluster fuck toward the end of the show, it was super entertaining to watch. And it wasn't a total waste because Team Sober performed a real Harold and Team Drunk's was not half bad either. I've never been happier to have been in standing room only, mainly due to the fact that I left the theater without having any drinks spilled on me, nor with any glass stuck into my skin.

I Eat Panda @ UCB 3.16.09

Tonight I went to a show that is pretty much already my new obsession: I Eat Pandas. You might be thinking to yourself, "What is this girl talking about?" or you might already be cool and know about it.

I Eat Pandas is a two woman (Eliza Skinner and Glennis McMurray) musical improv power house, which also includes a piano player. They perform three Broadway-esque musicals in one hour, all three of which are based on a one word suggestion. The first musical is performed in 25 minutes, followed by a 15 minute musical and a five minute musical. Each short musical was completely unique, believable, impressive and inspiring (for me, personally). Also, their timing was fantastic, not only in terms of delivery, but they set the lights on a timer at the beginning of each performance and finished exactly when the lights went off. Tonight's suggestion was 'dragon'.

The 25-minute musical dealt with themes of longing for the unknown, love and honesty. Skinner and McMurray played several characters each and almost seamlessly broke out into song, when appropriate. The songs were intelligent and extremely funny. The 15-minute show, showcased two ducks who wished they were a dragon and a R&B singer, respectively. By the end of this performance, they literally had the audience clapping and quacking along. The final installment dealth with dragon sisters who struggled to find common ground.

This may be my new favorite show to go to. I know that I Eat Panda will be performing again next Monday at 9:30 at the UCB Theater (407 w.26th St.) and I will definitely be in attendance. I don't believe that they perform each and every week, so I would highly recommend going.

Jill Hornstein: Animal Psychic

Do you ever wonder what animals are thinking?

Well luckily for you I was hit by lightening

and now can read the minds of pets.

Also I'm kind enough to share my gift

with the world!

Here is the second installment

of my foray into the world of

a pet psychic.

Don't Give Me Flowers

I always kill flowers.

No, I don't have

some kind of personal

vendetta

against flowers.

I'm just irresponsible.

I tell my boyfriends

I don't like getting flowers.

Even though its a big lie.

Also, kind of a test.

Probably shouldn't

have kids

anytime

soon.

Chris Gethard's Magic Box of Stories 3.4.09 @ UCB

Last night I went to a show that I've been thinking about going to for awhile. At first I just wanted to go because I liked the name 'Magic Box of Stories', and then I wanted to go because I realized that the host's last name spelled out GET-HARD. But I didn't go see it at first, because those were kind of superficial and stupid reasons to go pay to do something. After all this thinking with virtually nothing to show for it, Chris Gethard hosted a Harold night that I attended. In between each Harold (group performance, for those of us not familiar with the UCB), Gethard came out and gave the audience a little taste of what his show was like...and I was sold. Being the stalker that I am, I found out that he is from West Orange, NJ. Since I am from neighboring South Orange, at this point there was no way I was not going to this show. I recruited two friends (one from West Orange) to accompany me.

The main premise of the show is that a lot of crazy/awkward/funny/random shit has happened to Chris Gethard in his life and he wants to share these experiences with whoever will listen. He writes part of the experience down on multi-colored notecards and puts them inside a box (...a magic box) and lets the audience pull cards from the box, to determine what he shares that evening. I don't want to give away any of the stories, but to give you an idea of what you'll be getting yourself into, we heard about how he lost his virginity, drove down to Princeton to beat the shit out of someone he didn't know for "IM-bombing" him during his freshman year at Rutgers University, being raped by a girl and his short-lived career as a pro-wrestling manager (in my hometown of South Orange...woo woo represent).

As aforementioned, he asks the audience to pick cards. My friend, Danielle, yells out, "I want to pick it! I'm from West Orange too!". Which leads to him asking her how she knew this, leading to her pointing at me (also a stranger) and then the two of them realizing that they grew up litterally one block from each other, and Danielle realizing that she knows the person who he has described as, recently, having been arrested for child pornography. It was a great moment in time.

This show occurs semi-often at the UCB and is worth the 500 pennies ($5) it costs for admission. Check it out people.

Ask Ray J: Watch and Listen!

As some of you may remember, I did some voice overs for a promotion called 'Ask Ray J' for VH1.com. I wanted to have the video embeded onto the page, but it is currently not working. So I will keep trying to get it up, but until then you can check out the videos here and here.

I, along with four other women, sing the theme song. I also ask one question per episode. See if you can guess which one I am! Also I am the sexy voice saying 'Ask Ray J' at the begining and end. Please leave feedback in the comments section. There are three more videos that will be out soon enough, which I will post as soon as they are ready! Enjoy!

hint: in the first video my name starts with a R

and in the second it starts with a T

Adsit & Guasas @ UCB 2.25.09

Tonight I went to see 'Adsit & Guasas' at the UCB Theatre in Chelsea. I really was not sure what to expect from this show as the description of it was: "Scott Adist (30 Rock) and Christina Gausas (Late Night w/ Conana O'Brien) improvise an hour long one-act play that can be both hilarious and physical and heart-breaking and still, come and see for yourself." So besides that fact that I love '30 Rock', I was super intrigued. And even now I'm not sure how I feel about what I saw. It started off a little bit slow, but once they were both on the same page, it seemed almost impossible that they were improvising. Each line worked perfectly with the scene at hand and they had great chemistry together on stage. Also I was very impressed with both of their memories. At one point, Gausas had listed five men's names in the scene and then later on she referenced the same five names. This show wasn't exactly funny the entire way through, but it certainly did have a certain charm that made it enjoyable to watch. The pair perform this show on several Wednesdays each month. The next time you can catch this show is this upcomming Wednesday (March 4) and also March 18th, 2009, both at 9:30 PM.

Ask Ray J: Layin' Down the Tracks

Today I got the opportunity to be a part of VH1.com's new promotion called 'Ask Ray J'.   The premise of 'Ask Ray J' is that he answers fan submitted questions. I got to sing the theme music along with 4 other ladies.  In addition to singing the theme, I did voiceovers for five of the questions and also something else that I'll explain once the video is available. The picture above is me recording some of the voice overs at Orbit Studio in Times Square.  

Pro V. Con: Face Tattoos

A few months ago, I hadn't really given face tattoos much thought. And I don't know if it's just me, but lately they have been everywhere. Maybe now I'm conditioned to noticing them because they have been all over the television these days, but I have noticed some face-tat-toting ladies and gentlemen out there on the subway. I decided to weigh the pros and the cons of this pressing issue.

Pros vs. Cons: Face Tattoos

Pro:

• when asking directions for the bus, people will offer their wallets
  
• you can cut any line
  
• girlfriends won't pressure you to meet their parents
  
• everyday is Halloween!
  
• intimidate small children by doing nothing
• people constantly staring at you raises self esteem
• gang recruitment becomes easier

Con:

• minimum wage earners club lifetime membership
  
• even face skin gets wrinkly
  
• probably at least an accessory to murder
  
• people constantly staring at you makes you self concious
  
• You have a tattoo on your fucking face...for life.

You Decide.

Harold Night @ UCB Theater 2.17.09

So tonight I went to my first Harold Night at the Upright Citizen's Brigade (UCB). 'Harold' is a technique for long form improv developed by Del Close, and it is very funny. I am taking a class at the UCB training center and it is required that you attend two improv shows before the last class session (students get in free woop woop), and I'm really glad that it was required of me because I went early in the 'semester' and enjoyed it a lot, so now plan on integrating more UCB shows into my weekly schedule. They have usually 3 totally different shows each night of the week, the shows cost at most $10 (though most are $5) and there is no drink minimum, but there is a bar with very reasonable prices (not just for NYC, but even if you were at dive bar in Minnesota or some equally irrelevant state). So it's good.

Back to Harold Night. It's every week and 5 improv groups (8 people each) work their magic to create 5 completely original and hilarious long-form improv shows for only $5 (which in my opinion is worth more than a footlong from Subway). Each show, within the show, is about 30 minutes, with a 5 minute intermission between each. You can stay for all 5, or leave whenever you want. I stayed for three groups: 'The Fucking Kennedys', 'Bastian' and 'Ragnarock'. At the start of each show they take a one-word suggestion from the audience. The suggestions of these shows were picnic basket, California, and pinata. By using the Harold techniques, they create a very smart show, usually there is a consistent theme throughout the performance that is much deeper than the original prompt, and also very funny. It just impresses me so much that these 8 people (and I'm talking about all the Harold teams in general) went on stage with nothing prepared and came up with something so clever right off the cuff.

My favorite Harold team tonight was 'Ragnarock'. The team had 3 girls and 5 guys and their prompt was pinata, which led to themes of the political and economic situation in the world through situations about family, sex and kittens taking over the world (to name a few).

I just recently finished a book about long-form improv, Truth in Comedy. While reading it, the techniques made sense to me, but I had no idea what it the end result would be like. Tonight, while watching this show, so much of what I had read clicked into place. I'm really glad that I grew the balls to start this class because so far it has been an extremely positive experience and who knows? Maybe one day I'll be skilled enough to join a Harold team myself. Time will tell.

Inside Joke W/ Janeane Garofalo @ UCB Theater 2.16.09

Tonight I went to my first show ever at the Upright Citizen's Brigade Theater (W. 26th Street). I was not sure what to expect because I just picked one at random and decided to check it out. I knew that they put on improv and sketch shows there, what I got was completely different, but in a good way.

I attended 'Inside Joke', which is advertised on their schedule as "a cross between Charlie Rose and This Old House, minus the interruptions and power tools.' For many, this description would have been enough for them to gather what they were about to see, however, I have never seen Charlie Rose, nor This Old House because from what I hear they are boring and for old people. Anyways, I would describe it as similar to Inside the Actor's studio, minus James Lipton.

The show's host, Carl Armheiter, asked this week's guest, Janeane Garafalo questions about how she got started, her opinions on parts she has played, as well as other fun banter. I was pretty excited to watch because I've seen 'Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion' about 4 million times, not to mention having seen her on 'The Ben Stiller Show', as a kid. Also, I learned a lot about her that I would never know. One thing that really stuck out to me was that she does not have e-mail, nor use a computer. Also she hates all the negativity in the 'blogesphere', but since I don't write mean things I figured it was alright to write about this. Anywho...I find it crazy that anyone could survive without a computer, but I guess people did it for hundreds of years so to each their own.

As the show was being wrapped up, a girl in the audience screamed out "I have a question!!". She asked Garafalo if she would be interested in producing "a show like Curb, but for girls." It didn't seem that she was super interested in being the producer of this project, but she offered to speak with the girl after the show and get her in touch with her manager who probably would be interested! What a great break for that girl right? Regardless it just shows what a nice person Janeane Garafalo really is, even though she has been type-cast as a bitch.

Happy Valentines Day!

What's Wrong With This Picture?

Everything.

An Elephant Never Forgets

What a dickhead

The Republican party might want to get a better marketing team.

p.s. this is not about my political opinion

it is just a great picture 

so please shut it, in advance.