Thanksgiving Tragedies

Besides the inevitable tragedies of hundreds of people who blew up because they  didn't listen to that Cingular commercial and defrost their turkey before trying to deep fry them, there were a couple out of the ordinary things that happened this Thanksgiving that we would all, as a planet, be better off had they never occurred.    

The first Thanksgiving tragedy is New York Giant's star and winner of the "Your Beard Looks Like Pubes" award (see photo), Plaxico Burress.  Normally when you hear that a sports star has been shot you can assume that it has something to do with some kind of gangster ass business, but this time around that was not the case.  Plaxico was carrying an un-registered gun, you know for protection, at a New York area night club.  The gun was holstered into the waist of his jeans and after some serious getting jiggy with it, the gun slipped and fell down his pants.  When he tried to re-attach his 'piece' to his pants, the gun discharged and busted a cap up in his ass...  OK well his thigh, but it sounded cooler.

Apparently pop-princesses are heiresses aren't the only celebrities that make bad choices 

when they're drunk, but at least their bad choices usually increase their fame and

 pump life into their drowning career.  His bad decision will probably ruin his career and crush the Giant's unbelievable winning streak.  It's unfortunate because while I don't really care about football, I do really enjoy saying the word Plaxico.

Your next tragedy, to me at least, is much worse, but also almost seems like it would happen.  This tragedy also took place in New York, which strikes me as odd because I feel like it would be more likely to happen in Kentucky or some other state that is so obscure it only exists for the purpose of joke making.  On Black Friday, a Wal-Mart employee was trampled to death by a mob of mothers trying to make the most of all the holiday deals right at their fingertips.  When asked to evacuate the store so they could clean the murder from the linoleum floors, women allegedly yelled that they had been waiting since the night before to shop and continued their shopping.  Is that tickle-me-elmo/furby/whatever the fuck every 5 year old asshole has to have this holiday season really worth killing a man over?  This question is not rhetorical and the answer is: yes, duh.

Would You Rather...

Sometimes my friends and I play 'Would You Rather...?" and we start with relatively tame questions and by the end of the game are asking way past the line obscene or strange questions.  These are just a few of I thought about recently, independently of my friends.  I thought it might be fun  to see which you would rather...so leave a comment with your choice. 

• Lick a homeless man's foot OR have to use mustard instead of soap for the rest of your life?

• marry an iguana (and consummate the marriage) OR use sandpaper as toilet paper for the rest of your life?

• have a butthole for a mouth OR eat a NY subway rat?

• eat your least favorite food for every meal OR have a partially developed fetus growing out of your earlobe?

The Humpty Dance

In an earlier post, I mentioned that I worked on some videos for Josh College (all in all there were 6 I helped with), so I thought I'd let you see what I'm talking about. I produced and filmed this music video remake/parody of 'The Humpty Dance' by Digital Underground. I'm pretty proud of it because it's awesome, but also because as of right now it has over 12,000 hits on youtube. That's 12,000 theorhetical dollars (...south park anyone?) Mainly it's just awesome, pretty funny and if the first two descriptions didn't do it for ya...there's hot chicks dancing around in thong bathing suits throughout the video. So check it out!

Conversations with God

I just typed in a web address wrong in my browser and ended up on some uber-Christian network of blogs, right before I tried to X out the box, I noticed one blog titled 'Conversations with God'. So I thought to myself what it would be like if I were to have a conversation with God...on AIM. So this is what I imagine God and I would talk about:

JiLLpaysdaBiLLz: hey G-man

Water2WineDad: Hello my child.

JiLLpaysdaBiLLz: what up homie?

Water2WineDad: Answering prayers, creating miracles, you know the usual.

JiLLpaysdaBiLLz: sounds boring...I'm watching kids fall down on youtube, you should check it out..it's sooo cute!

Water2WineDad: Yes, children are quite a miracle. I would know, after all, I created them.

JiLLpaysdaBiLLz: I thought we went over this...if we're going to be friends you can't be so cocky all the time, its seriously annoying and you said you would stop...jesus!

Water2WineDad: My bad. What about him?

JiLLpaysdaBiLLz: what about who?

Water2WineDad: My son.

JiLLpaysdaBiLLz: I GET IT! We are all your children, but I'm a girl, you should know that you created vaginas and all...

Water2WineDad: No, my son, Jesus.

JiLLpaysdaBiLLz: Listen God, there's no need to get an attitude...I appreciate all you've done for everything in the universe, but seriously you need an attitude adjustment sometimes...I don't want to get mad at you again...later

Alternate Titles for 'I Know Who Killed Me'

Recently a friend coerced me into watching the worst movie ever created, I Know Who Killed Me. This is where I normally would provide some background, but I still have no idea what the butt this movie is about. So instead I thought I'd share some of my ideas for alternate titles for this F.I.L.M. (freakin' idiotic lactating mess).

What if they tried:

'The Parent Trap 2'

The whole movie Lohan's character talks about how she has an identical twin, that neither she, nor anyone else, knew about/believes her about, so all in all the same thing. This title would probably have, at least, generated a larger box office revenue because the Disney crowd/anyone who liked seeing two Lindsay's at once would have been reeled in. Also I think it's just a much more pleasant name than 'I Know Who Killed Me', especially because throughout the entire movie you never know who killed her/she's not really ever dead...again I'm not exactly sure of the plot line because it was borderline retarded (by that I mean after watching I almost was retarded)

Or how about:

'The End of Lindsay Lohan's Acting Career'

While no one could have predicted that Lindsay's film career would have ended after doing this film, unless of course you happened to read the script. I'm not sure how anyone could have read that garbage and presented it to someone, whose last movie was as successful as Mean Girls, without being fired (or at least spit on). As far as I'm aware, many people must have read this script and told her it was a smart move, but I guess after this movie came out their career's probably also simultaneously ended. Also, this title would definitely have generated more box office revenue from sheer curiosity of how bad this movie would suck.

Even this one would made me want to see it:

'Like, OMG, My Body Parts are Totally All Falling Off'

This is the most literal interpretation of what you're going to get out of this film. For some reason Lindsay's arms and legs keep falling off during the movie. She gets some kind of robot arms/legs too, but then those come off and she gets hit in the face with her leg, I think? Anyway her body parts, like, totally fall off.

Or the most obvious title:

'The Movie Where Lindsay Lohan is a Stripper'

One of the Lindsay Lohans in this movie is a stripper, even though I'm pretty sure you never see her boobies. But this title would bring in the Disney crowd, the pedophile crowd, the frat boy crowd, everyone who hates Lindsay Lohan, everyone that loves Lindsay Lohan and anyone that loves strippers/stripping/strip clubs/strip malls/etc.

don't worry wilson. i'll do all the paddling. you just hang on.

I don't think a contest for the most clever trash can exists.

But if there were...

this one would definitely

make it to the swim-wear competition.

*Photo taken at Vinny's Pizza in Williamsburg, Brooklyn.

happy birthday to me

Today I turn twenty-two.  The big deuce deuce.  Doesn't that sound like a bathroom trip you really don't want to take?  This is the most anti-climatic birthday to date.  It's like after you turn 21 there's almost no point...until you're 30 because then you better be getting drunker than that first time you drank freshman year in high school, to be cool, and threw up all over yourself in front of the juniors, who took pictures of you and laughed.  Oh...yea that happened to someone else I know...

anyways...

Dear Jill, 

Happy Birthday!  You're #1 in my book!

I hope you have the most fantastic day possible!

I'll be rooting for you!

Love Yourself,

Jill

 

iphone spell check can suck it

The iPhone is awesome. But sometimes when I'm texting my friends write back and are very confused. It's the mother fucking spell checker that tries to make me less vulgar/not use slang spelling. No I don't use words like "LOL" even though that is something that the iPhone recognizes (and will even capitalize for you)! Here are some of the words that I've noticed the iPhone notoriously changes up on me and drives me up the wall:

fuck TURNS INTO duck

example: I'm ducking hungry.

nah TURNS INTO bah

example: bah I'm not trying to do that.

shit TURNS INTO shot

example: What the duck is this shot?

wana TURNS INTO WANs

example: WANs do me later?

gona TURNS INTO tons

example: I'm tons poop my pants.

As you can see it's quite the nuisance. Also can someone please tell me what the duck is a WANs?

Comedy Free Williamsburg 11.12.08

In addition to being a record store, a bar, and host to Big Terrific, Soundfix Lounge (is there anything they don’t do?) they also host a myriad of other events. Specifically several other free comedy nights. After months of saying I was going to check another night out, I finally got a chance to do so this week. Wednesday night actually hosts two different shows, but unfortunately (due to the possibility of our driver dying of alcohol poisoning…sort of) I only was able to stay for the first show, called Comedy Free Williamsburg. This show was quite different that what I’m normally used to from Soundfix, in that it featured no media whatsoever, and also a sketch group was also thrown in the mix. I was told the week before that this show featured an open bar, but sadly it was a lie. Well, it used to have an open bar supposedly, so I guess just an un-truth. The host is John Knefel. 

I found the first act quite funny, and I know his name is Rob, but I wasn’t quick enough to get his last name down, which is unfortunate because he was quite funny. I know he has performed in the Marijuana-loges (if you know his name please leave it in the comment section). He had a certain approach that made ordinarily not funny things absolutely hysterical, like the death of his father. Also I appreciated that he was wearing a denim shirt. Then came, Mike Dobbins, had a very interesting style to his act. It really seemed like he didn’t give a fuck, but not in a lazy way, more in the sense that he knew he was funny regardless whether or not the audience agreed. I found some of his jokes to be a little over my head while others were laugh-out-loud funny.

The next act was like nothing I had ever seenup close before, the sketch group, Murder Face. They performed about three sketches that really got the audience going. Their show also involved a lot of shirtless, hairy, man-boob possessing men, which make it pretty tough to go wrong. Their voices boomed across the room and overpowered everyone’s attention. Their sketches were clever. 

Following Murder Face, was a very attractive woman, Tracie Jayne, which I feel is somewhat rare for really funny women, but I’m down with it. Tracie talked at length about her jobs ranging from thong-wearing shot girl at a bar to serving in the United States military. All of her jokes were sharp, clever and highly amusing. The headliner, who didn’t realize he was headlining until Knefel announced it, was Joe Devito. He had the crowd in stitches from the start by talking about smoking weed and lots of it. My personal favorite part of his performance (even though the whole thing was laugh-

out-loud fantastic) was when he discussed one of my top 10 favorite commercials: the ShamWow. His jokes basically described the exact reason why, not only, do I love the commercial, but also why I think its absolutely ridiculous (even though I want to buy it.)

All in all, it was a good show, but I’m not sure if it’s really for me. Next time I’m going to try to catch the later show, ‘Totally J/K with Joe and Noah’ because it seems like it would match my sense of humor a little better. Although I would still recommend checking out this show because I’m pretty sure the acts change each week and it’s still a really fun time.

Behind the True Life Hollywood Story

I told you that I'd put up my own personal videos(which is true),but I'm waiting on a new camera so I figured I'd put up some of my past projects. This was the first short film I ever made. It was co-everything-ed by myself and Jessi Elgin. Check out my cameo as the bored/obnoxious/rude non-fan of Guitar Hero(at about 5:33)...yes that's what this movie is about: the first ever Guitar Hero and his rise to fame and inevitable crash and burn. So check it out, I think you'll like it.

Also, how great is the thumbnail that youtube selects for the clip. Nothing better than a ginger with their mouth open.

Let me know what you think.

Caroline's on Broadway: New Talent Night 11.10.08

Monday nights at the infamous Caroline’s on Broadway are reserved for new talent! It’s pretty exciting because some of the best comedians that have ever lived go their start at Caroline’s, so you never know if the people you’ll see will end up becoming legendary themselves. I have been to Caroline’s several times before, but it was always to see a headliner. This was a totally different experience, but definitely still worthwhile and enjoyable.

There were TONS of comedians that performed. I wish there was a list of their names somewhere that I could access, but unfortunately there were way too many to remember. This doesn’t mean, however, that their acts were forgettable. I was so impressed by so many of the performers. One of my favorites was the only female performer of the night, who made jokes about her roommates criticizing her for smoking weed, which were super relatable and fantastic. Another real stand out was this uber-gay, little (and by that I mean short), blonde boy with a face like Clay Aiken. He, mostly, referenced pop culture and his sexuality, and really got the crowd going. The third person that really stood out to me was an Indian guy who, throughout his act, used many different accents to discuss various racial issues.

The real reason I went to this show, beside my obsession and love of stand-up, was to support one of my friends who performed stand up for his second time at Caroline’s. That, in itself, is remarkably impressive. My friend, Josh Senior, and I worked together this past summer on some videos for his website, JoshCollege. On his site, he plays an advice-giving, know-it-all college student, who is actually a little confused. The videos are great and you should definitely check them out. However, I don’t think that the Josh College character really transfers over to the stand-up stage. Had he hit the stage as Josh Senior (versus Josh College), even if he said mostly the same jokes, he would have had the crowd in the palm of his hand. His jokes are witty, and very smart, but it was just hard to follow when he spoke using the character’s trademark voice. I’m looking forward to his next performance as Josh Senior because I know it will be fantastic!

Overall, I had a great time at the show! While this is certainly one of the less expensive options available in NYC when it comes to stand-up comedy, it still was a moderately expensive night. The tickets were only $10 ($5, if you say you're going to support one specific person), but there is a 2 drink minimum (their drinks are more on the expensive side) and their is also a 15% service fee included. So, I would definitely recommend checking out New Talent night at Caroline's on Broadway for anyone interested in what's new/up-in-comming in the comedy world! Also if anyone knows the names of anyone who performed this night please let me know!

memories

Everyday in 8th grade we went to Kody's pool after school.

There was always one ninth grader there.

Who asked, everyday, if he could spit on me.

He'd say:

"PLEASE JUST LET ME SPIT ON YOU"

I'd say

"NO! Absolutely not."

He'd say

"Fine if it's not on your face then how about on your hand?"

I'd say

"SHUT UP!"

And then cry the whole walk home.

Even today I hate it when guys spit on a girl's vajayjay's in pornos.

BARACK out!

A friend sent this video to me a couple days ago 

and I can't get it out of my head 

so I thought I'd share with anyone reading out there.  

The video is a compilation of Obama speeches 

cut together to Rick Astley's 'Never Gonna Give You Up'.
enjoy.

NY Comedy Festival: Sarah Silverman & Friends: 11.8.08

Last night I was lucky enough to be able to go see Sarah Silverman and Friends at Hammerstein Ballroom as part of the New York Comedy Festival. The line for this thing spanned two blocks, but the energy of the line wasn't even one of annoyance, but pure excitement.

My seats were in section 1 so it was super exciting to see the show up close, even though the venue is a little bigger than what I'm used to. The host of the show was forgettable. His name could have been Mark maybe? He did impressions of random historical people singing rock and roll songs, and neither myself nor the rest of the audience thought it was that funny. His performance was worrisome, as he opened the show, and it was unclear as to who the rest of the 'and Friends' were going to be. But true to the title, the other acts truly are Sarah's friends, or at the very least, they play her friends on TV.

The first guy up was Steve Agee, who plays one of Sarah's gay best friends on 'The Sarah Silverman Program'. He showed the audience a video that he sent to Comedy Central to get cast on Sarah's show. The clip showed his love of both Halloween and masturbating. To show his versatility as an actor, he showed another clip that illustrated his love of, this time, Thanksgiving and masturbating. There's nothing more natural than an overweight man jerking it, dressed like an Indian (circa 1970), to the fondest moments of Thanksgiving: turkey, Indians, small pox, Miles Standish, etc. Overall he was pretty funny, although his set was very short.

The next of the 'and Friends' was none other than Brian Posehn, who plays Sarah's other gay best friend and Steve Agee's lover on 'The Sarah Silverman Program'. His self-deprecating brand of comedy really hit the spot. One of my favorite moments was Posehn describing knowing his place in the world and what he will never be able to do due to his massive size. His set was much longer than Agee's and the audience laughed most at his set, thus far.

While Agee and Posehn were both really funny, everyone was really there for one reason: Sarah Silverman. The crowd went wild when Sarah emerged from backstage and opened by

informing is that this was, "her first time doing stand-up with a black president!" Each word to come out of her mouth was funnier than the last. She also performed some of her musical stylings from her DVD "Jesus is Magic", as well as some from her show. Most of her material was new to me, but I obviously still enjoyed the bits I had already heard. Sarah's performance was obviously the longest, as she was the headliner, but the show was only about an hour and a half, which seemed was a little short. I would have liked to see more opening acts to intensify the build up for Sarah, but I guess she wanted to take her post-show monster bong hit earlier (I don't blame her at all because I bet she gets crazy awesome weed). All in all, the show was a great experience for me. I've looked up to Sarah Silverman for many years and to be able to finally see her live really was exciting for me! Look out for me at Sarah's next show in NYC.

words I usually spell wrong:

-rediculous
-nesecarry
-tournament

Big Terrific 11.6.08

Thursdays are the highlight of my week. Besides being one day away from the weekend, it's also, the night of 'Big Terrific', a weekly comedy show, at Soundfix Lounge in Williamsburg. I've been to the show four or five times so far and have yet to be disappointed.

A really awesome thing about 'Big Terrific' is that it's always different. At last night's show, Gabe Liedman and Jenny Slate, two of the three hosts of 'Big Terrific', opened the night with a hilarious skit about the miscommunication of their love for each other, and, then, Jenny did her boring tunes, where weren't boring at all but so comically riveting that they demanded an encore from the audience, and Gabe riled up the boys by telling jokes for the men in the room (as long as the guys in the audience were M4M). The Gabe and Jenny duo had a real chemistry that was hard to deny, but as solo acts they were super cool too. The third host, Max Silvestri, did an act accompanied by short movies, photos and other assorted media. Everything that he put on the projector, accentuated by his witty commentary made me laugh.

Each week there are usually four to six comedians who perform. Last night's lineup was as follows: Arj Barker, Gabriel Delahaye, Noah Garfinkel and Anthony Jeselink. Each one did a great job at perpetuating the funny-bone vibe that kept me and the audience laughing. Big Terrific also does justice to women comedians, like Jenny Slate, who never fails to make me feel like I'm not actually, the most vulgar girl in the room. All in all, I'm addicted and it's better than crack (almost...). I'll probably be there next Thursday, hope to see you there!

if truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in a library?

I wish I had more interesting hair.

It's brown, it's strait, and it ends up looking exactly the same...

whether or not I do anything to it or not.

Here are some styles I wish I could pull off:

The Marie Antionette:
Or as I like to call it the "Don't Sit Behind This Bitch"
It may seem a little outdated, but history repeats itself so get over it. Once you've mastered this style, the possibilities are endless. I mean think about it, if you can make the top of your head look like some over-styled poodle, then whose to say there is anything you can't do. Once I master this one I'm running for Vice President.

The Spindle:

Or as I like to call it the "Easy Access to Richard Gere's Anus"
If you wanted a hampster to crawl into your butt, you would (ideally) use one of those cardboard tubes that come under your toilet paper/paper towels. Who wouldn't want apply the same principal to their hairstyle! This is one of those styles that screams "Put The Animal Directly Into My Brain Because it's a MUCH Longer Journey From the Anus". Can't go wrong with that.

The Bright Idea:

Or as I like to call it the "One Anus is Not Enough"

This look shows that there's little to no brain activity going on inside that skull of yours. Which is totally in right now. I wouldn't be surprised if everyone in the entire world had this 'do tomorrow. It's for the person on the go...and by on the go I mean they really have to go. They don't have time to tell you the reason they're running. Once they run past you, you'll already know. Who knew a hairstyle could be stylish and alert the general public that you love pooping?

The "Bird's Nest":

Or as I like to call it the "We Are Boning Tonight"
If I could pull this hairstyle off, I would be seeing more action than the backseat of Todd Palin's snow mobile. Probably the most sexual hairstyle that has ever been created. It's hard to put the feelings I'm feeling into words right now because they are mostly feelings in my pants. Delish!

More to come...